


(No) Boyfriend Material

by marinstan



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Boys Kissing, Fluff, M/M, no magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-08-23 14:31:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 29,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16620821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marinstan/pseuds/marinstan
Summary: Simon Snow isn´t really looking for a relationship.Neither is Baz Pitch.But despite Simon being an oblivious idiot, there is no denying that these two were meant for each other.





	(No) Boyfriend Material

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first time ever for me to post any of my works, so I´m really excited (and anxious) to finally have someone else than my closest friends read my stuff.
> 
> So, I´d be more than happy for you to comment on my little story!
> 
> Everyone who reads this means the world to me.  
> Our Queen Rainbow Rowell owns all of the main characters!

### Simon 

I see him for the first time on a rainy Friday afternoon.  
The coffee shop isn´t too crowded, because anyone who doesn´t absolutely need to go out wouldn´t leave their house.  
An old man sits near by the dark window, drinking tea and reading the newspaper.  
Two teenage girls are chatting in the corner, their long hair shining in the friendly light of the shop.  
I know the one with the blue jacket.  
Her name is Ally and she comes here every Monday and Thursday to get a coffee-to-go, I think it must be her lunch break. Sometimes she´d buy a muffin or a bagel.  
Ocassionally, she brings a friend with her, but if she doesn´t, she likes to talk with me while she´s waiting for her coffee.  
That´s why I know she´s a junior and wants to study physical therapy. She is also a passionated swimmer.  
She always complains how her hair would break because of the cap she has to wear.  
It looks fine to me. Light brown, falling over her shoulders.  
I often wonder how it must be to live a life like her´s.  
Swim team. Future Plans. Complains about hair. Buying coffee every other day and chatting carefree with her friends.  
Not that I wouldn´t like her – I do. She seems really sweet and is always kind. Somehow she radiates good vibes to me.  
I keep checking the time – one hour, then my shift would end and I could sit down at my favorite table, drink coffee and do some studying.  
The best part of working at a coffee shop really is that I get one free drink every day.  
With a cold breeze, the door opens.  
I´m busy cleaning the coffe machine, since I just spilled tea all over it.  
„Excuse me, please?“  
I look up.  
Right in front of me stands the most beautiful boy I´ve ever seen.  
Grey eyes.  
Sharp jawline.  
Raven hair that brushes his collar.  
He is probably about my age and looks slightly annoyed.  
I realise that I just stood there, gaping at him for at least a minute.  
Quickly, I look down.  
I can feel my cheeks flush.  
„Um... what - what can I help you with?“, I stutter.  
„A large Latte Macchiato, please.“  
„What´s your name?“  
„Baz.“  
I nod, still unable to look him in the eyes.  
While I´m fussing around, making his coffe (and spilling half of it) I glance at him.  
He really is drop-dead gorgeous.  
How can anyone be that attractive? It´s not fair.  
In my messy handwriting, I scribble Baz on his cup.  
(Strange name) (Not weird though)  
„Here... um – your coffee.“  
When I look at him for a second, I see his sneer.  
Suddenly, I feel anger rise in my chest.  
Stupid rich boy.  
(Why are good-looking people always so arrogant?)  
Gracefully, he takes his coffee and chooses a table on the other side of the shop.  


### Baz

It is indeed unbelievable how many surprisingly dumb people got a place at London´s elite university.  
I always thought they would be a little pickier when it comes to appliants.  
And why, why in hell would anyone give someone like Chase Sinclair a better grade than me?  
(My essay was way better than his´- he doesn´t know one thing about family law)  
Sometimes I wonder if it was the wrong decision to study law.  
I thought I would be extraordinary at it because of my sharp tongue, but I´m actually bored out of my mind.  
However, I know my father would never accept me changing my major.  
(He almost disowend me when I told him I´d take music as my second degree)  
So, law it is, no matter how much I hate it.  
Still, my mood isn´t the best (and with that I mean it is even worse than usually), when I go home after receiving a very unsatisfying grade on my last essay.  
It´s pouring and nobody seems to be on the street. (Not that I would mind)  
I can feel my hair getting all wet and curly, as it always does when it´s humid.  
That´s probably the main reason why I decide to take shelter in a small coffee shop on my way home.  
Well, that´s been a mistake.  
Obviously, I never would have chosen this particular coffee shop if I´d have known that no one else than Simon Snow works there as a barista.  
Honestly, am I cursed or something?  
I don´t believe it at first, but there he stands.  
Bronze curls.  
Blue eyes.  
Fucking gorgeous.  
I´ve seen him on campus before.  
He´s usually with that crazy haired girl, Penelope Bunce.  
I only know her, because she seems to be brilliant.  
I´d actually be interested to share one or two classes with her, just to see if she´d be any competition for me, but she studies chemistry and something else I forgot.  
Anyways, she and Snow always hang out together. (I´m not sure if there´s anything going on between them, but I´ve never seen them kiss or anything of that sort)  
I don´t think Snow knows me, but somehow I seem to see him everywhere since I first met him.  
In the library, ruffling his curls in frustration when he studies.  
In the cafeteria, shouving food in his mouth like he´s been starved for the last couple months.  
He´s always clumsy and confused and adorable.  
But not gay.  
And for sure not what I need right now.  
I have to admit that I did stalk him a little bit, just to know if he´s into boys.  
Well, he is not.  
People know surprisingly little about him, but it is common knowledge that he had a girlfriend.  
And not any girlfriend, but Agatha Wellbelove.  
Our beauty queen.  
(My father would love it if I´d go out with her)  
They broke up a little more than a month ago and nobody seems to know why, but it doesn´t matter to me anyways.  
Snow likes girls, that´s all I need to know.  
Not that I would ask him on a date if he didn´t.  
(I want to)  
His presence unnerves me, which I don´t like at all.  
At least, I seem to unnerve him as well, because he constantly stumbles over his words.  
When he hands me my coffee, I consider to just run away as quickly as I can (I don´t think I can manage to keep myself from swooning any longer), but then I think again and compose myself.  
He is just a boy.  
Just some random boy, who happens to be cute.  
I don´t even know him and there is absolutely no reason for me to avoid him.  
Also, I really don´t want to go back out there and get wet.  
So instead of leaving, I head to a table and take out off my bag the book I´m currently reading.  
For the first few minutes I can´t fully concentrate on the story (I hear Snow moving behind the counter), but eventually I´m relaxing a little and let the book draw me in.

### Simon

At first, I´m somehow super-nervous. His presence seems to fill out the whole shop.  
(It doesn´t help that I can see Ally and her friend giggling and shooting glances at Baz) (Annoying, but it also makes me feel a little better about myself – he really is that handsome)  
But after a few minutes when he didn´t look up from his book once, I start to feel normal again.  
The end of my shift is near and I´m busy considering which drink I´d choose today.  
Finally, Mary rushes through the door, hair wet and tangled.  
As soon as she´s changed, I make my coffee (I´ve decided to go for a Pumpkin Mocha Breve – my own creation) and leave her to it.  
It is only now that I notice Baz is still here.  
Doesn´t matter, I tell myself and sit down on a table three from his´ away.  
Before I take out my books, I give myself a moment to just sit there, looking out of the window, sipping on my coffee.  
That´s my favorite part of the day – sitting here, letting the coffee warm me from the inside.  
With a little sigh, I take out my physics book.  
It´s not even like I´d hate studying – physics can be quite interesting, but lately I´m pretty stressed out. Everyone in my class is so goddamn smart and the subject matters are getting increasingly harder.  
Every once in a while, I glance over a Baz´ table.  
His skin is unsually pale and he´s got dark circles under his eyes. (I´m glad I´ve found an imperfection)  
The afternoon goes by with studying and the sound of rain against the glass of the window.  
After a while I´m so caught up in my task that I somehow manage to forget Baz´ presence.  
If I´d have remembered it, I wouldn´t have let out a frustrated groan.  
His eyes shoot up at me, when I just started to pull at my hair.  
I fight back the blush creeping up my cheeks and glare at him.  
He raises one eyebrow at me and one corner of his mouth curls in amusement.  
Well, I bet it´s funny for him, but certainly not for me.  
I don´t understand a word of the last three paragraphs I´ve just read.  
After another half an hour, I give up.  
I´m so tired that my eyes are burning.  
(No wonder, considering the fact that I can´t remember the last night I´ve slept more than three hours)  
Ally and her friend are gone, but Baz is still here, reading.  
I´m trying to catch a glimpse of the book title, unsuccessfully.  
Even though I know I should go home and get some sleep, I don´t really want to leave.  
My small, crappy flat isn´t exactly my favorite place to be.  
(I guess that this coffee shop is my favorite, but I can´t actually sleep here)  
So I pack up my stuff and leave.  
(After one last glance at Baz) (Just to see if he´s watching me)

### Baz

I´m not gonna lie – something about Snow makes me turn into a full on creep.  
To call it “Stalking“ would probably not be an understatement.  
Not that I´d follow him around everywhere – I´m not that pathetic, but I did check every kind of social media I possess.  
(To my disgrace I have to admit I even searched for Bunce, just to find something about Snow)  
But somehow Snow seems to be the only student on campus – or probably in whole England – who doesn´t have an account on any social media.  
Honestly, is that even possible? Not that I would be someone who is very active on these kind of platforms, but it is necessary to stay up to date about – anything, really.  
Nevertheless, I am Basilton Grimm-Pitch and if I want something, I will get it.  
And I want Snow.  
I´m not sure how exactly (I want everything).  
First of all, I want to figure him out.  
Because, even though I can´t really say I know him, I feel like there´s something... off about him.  
Almost like he´s... bruised.  
I´m not sure yet, since I´ve merely spoken about three words with him.  
But I´m almost always right when it comes to reading people.  
Somehow, it´s always the broken ones I find to be most interesting (I should probably be concerned what that says about me).  
At the same time, I´m perfectly aware that it would be best to keep my distance.  
I´ve never had a crush and I´d really like to keep it that way.  
No pining after a straight boy, not for me.  
That being said, I´m struggling to justify the fact that I am standing in front of the small coffee shop again, on a Sunday, which means I´ve been here only two days ago.  
I haven´t opened the door yet, I could still walk away and pretend that I´ve never intended to come here in the first place.  
On the other hand, he probably won´t be here today anyways, nobody wants to work on Sundays.

### Simon

He´s back.  
I know it as soon as I hear him entering the shop.  
There´s just something about his walk that is so unique (so graceful), I couldn´t mistake him for anybody else.  
I feel my heart pounding in my chest for no reason.  
Maybe because I´m angry that he looks so fucking perfect, even in the morning, when I basically look like I´ve just crawled out of the gutter.  
My night was crap again and I know it shows.  
But really, why do I care? Even without dark circles and bloodshot eyes, I could never compare to him. He is prettier than I´ll ever be.  
(Can boys even be pretty? Isn´t “pretty“ something for girls?)  
It´s a little bit like a flashback, because I´ve always felt like that with Agatha, too.  
She is unbelievably beautiful with her blonde hair and these long legs of her´s.  
I´ve known from the start that she was way out off my league.  
Not that it would be the same with Baz – I´m simply jealous, because he looks better than me.  
As soon as he walks in like he´d own the place (how does he do it?), I feel myself getting really worked up.  
He sees me and a smirk appears on his face.  
„Snow“, he says, grey eyes looking like a challenge.  
„Don´t you have coffee at home?“, I blurt out.  
I´m just so... angry. This boy looks like he could easily buy the whole university of London – why does he have to hang out in cheap coffee shops?  
„I do, but maybe I prefer a greater selection?“  
God, even his voice is posh.  
I wish I would figure out some brilliant comeback, but I´m not good with words, so I just grumble: „Whatever.“  
„So, will you take my order or would you rather continue to stare at me?“  
I didn´t stare at him!  
(Not at all)  
After I´ve handed him his coffee and croissant, he settles on a table not far from me.  
That means he sits barely three meters away from me, I cannot not watch him.  
Also, the rest of the shop is empty, so it´s not like I had anything to do.  
I don´t know how he manages to look good while eating a croissant and at the same time tipping something on his expensive laptop.  
„Snow“, he says out of the blue and I´m startled.  
„If you´re so eager to observe my every move, than you can as well just come and sit with me.“  
Praying to god that I´m not blushing, I shrug.  
„You need help with your essay or whatever you´re writing, or why do you want me on your table?“  
He cocks an eyebrow at me and I feel my stomach flutter.  
„I hope I am not anticipating, but I somehow doubt you could help me with composing a fugue.“  
I don´t have a clue what a fugue is, but I´m sure as hell not going to admit that.  
Slowly, I walk over to his table and sit down in front of him.  
I think I see the corners of his mouth turn upwards, but maybe I´m imagining it.  
„Don´t you have any studying to do?“, he asks me without looking up from the screen.  
Wordlessly, I head back to the counter to get my stuff.  
The assignment I started yesterday didn´t get any easier over night, but I might have another idea how to approach it.  
With furrowed brows, I start scribbling.  
After a while, Baz disrupts my thought process.  
„You study physics?“  
He sounds just the slightest bit impressed and I can´t help but feel extremly smug.  
I mean, if I´m smart enough to study physics that must mean I´m not a complete waste.  
(And I´m pretty sure it´s very hard to impress someone like Baz)  
„Yeah“, I say.  
„And you?“  
For a second I´m worried I´ve sounded way too friendly, that he´d now sneer at me again.  
But he doesn´t, his tone stays neutral.  
„I major in Law, as my second degree I chose music.“  
Now it is my turn to be impressed.  
Not that I would´ve expected anything less from him, but still. I´ve heard Law is very demanding and... well, I don´t know one thing about music, but simply the fact that he chose a second degree when his major is Law definitely shows that he must be intelligent as hell.  
(He sure looks like he is)  
(Intelligent and hot. Why is there such injustice in the world?)  
„So you want to be a lawyer?“, I ask him.  
His elegant face looks indifferent when he says: „Yes, I guess I´ll be a lawyer.“  
Then he looks up and I´m struck by his grey eyes. He seems to look right through me and I´m not sure whether I like that.  
„What about you? You don´t want to serve people coffee for the rest of your life, do you?“  
I flinch.  
„Don´t know yet“, I say cooly.  
I don´t like being asked about my future when I still think I won´t have one.  
Baz  
After Snow´s off-putting answer, we stay silent for a while.  
I´m not content with my fugue.  
It´s not bad (of course it isn´t), but I want it to be perfect. And original. I want to create something new, something that will surprise people. I want something to be remembered.  
„Baz?“  
I startle.  
That´s the first time Snow called me by my name, I think.  
I´m surprised by how much I like the sound of it when he says it.  
„Yes, Snow?“  
He looks sheepishly at me and I feel my heart flutter.  
„What is a fugue?“  
I can´t help but smirk.  
It was obvious he´d never heard the term before, but was too proud to ask me about it.  
„Having a little gap in education there, haven´t we?“  
His face darkens, but only a little.  
„Well, enlighten me, then.“  
I put my laptop so we can both see the screen and show him my notation program.  
„Ah, so it´s music“, he says.  
I bite down my grin.  
„Very well spotted, Snow.“  
„Is it for piano? There´s no text there.“  
„Yes, it is.“  
„So you play the piano?“  
It flatters me that he actually seems to be interested in my answer.  
„I do, but not that good. The first instrument I´ve learned is the violin and that´s my favorite, by far.“  
For some reason, he grins a little.  
„You think me playing violin is funny?“  
I raise my eyebrow at him.  
He shakes his head, still grinning.  
„No, I think it suits you. Maybe a little too well.“  
„What do you mean by that?“  
„Just...“ I can see he´s searching for words. (I shouldn´t find it that adorable)  
„Everyone would expect you to play violin and then you actually do“, he finally says.  
„It´s just... funny.“  
I smirk.  
„I´m simply gonna take you´re stammering as a compliment and leave it at that.“  
„It wasn´t a compliment!“  
He sounds angry and embarrassed and he is blushing furiously.  
I´d almost laughed, because he is so easy to throw off balance.  
But before I can tease him a little more, the door flies open and a woman with a little child stomps in, so that Snow has to jump up and get back behind the counter.  
I check my watch and am shocked when I see it´s already twelve.  
I´m supposed to meet my family in half an hour for lunch and I hate being late.  
So I pack my stuff and wait until Snow looks at me.  
„Are you leaving?“, he asks. He is almost pouting and I want to believe that he´d like me to stay a little longer.  
„My family is waiting for me. So... bye, then.“  
„See you.“

 

### Simon

I don´t know what it is about him.  
He gets me so worked up.  
It´s terrible, really. I can´t focus on anything and I´m already a little clumsy and distracted when I´m not having a certain someone on my mind.  
Constantly.  
He´s so... I don´t know.  
I feel so... I don´t know.  
The thing is... I can´t deny that I want to see him again. (Just to restore my pride and get back at him for all the mocking)  
What if he doesn´t come back?  
I don´t know where he lives (Not that I would visit him or anything – I don´t even know him).  
He is probably at the same university as I am, because if anyone fits the image of an arrogant elite student, it´s him. But the university is huge and he has compeletly different classes than me...  
Why am I even thinking about it?  
It´s not that I really want to be his friend – not even close.  
We don´t... we´re way too different.  
I´d probably bore him after a while and he would drive me wild with his posh demeanor.  
Driving me mad, I mean. Making me want to punch his stupid smirking mouth and crush his unbearably elegant fingers.  
The day goes by in a blurr. (Working in a coffee shop usually isn´t that exciting) (Unless sickeningly handsome strangers happen to walk in just to tease you to death)  
When I get back to my flat, I feel restless.  
Even more than usually.  
Penny has texted me, but my shitty phone is low on battery again, so I didn´t respond.  
Maybe I should ask her if I could come over, but I´ve just spend yesterday at her house and I think her parents don´t like me very much.  
Also, she probably wouldn´t want me around all evening – as I know her, she´s probably caught up in a book or maybe busy working on some project.  
So I stay in, by myself.  
Eating ramen noodles for dinner. (I love them, really, but that´s now the fifth night in a row because I´m broke as usual and can´t afford real food and I´d love to eat something else for a change)  
Being alone here doesn´t do me any good.  
Baz is all I think about and I don´t know why.

### Baz

I´ve got a problem.  
Simon Snow is going to be my downfall.  
How is it possible that I´m already falling for him?  
He is so... gorgeous.  
I can´t handle it, he drives me crazy.  
Honestly, I feel like I´m fifteen again, which is quite embarrassing.  
I´m trying really hard to concentrate on my sister and to push the image of my own hands in Snow´s bronze curls to the back of my mind.  
„Baz, are you even listening?“  
Mordelia is clearly annoyed and I feel bad for being so distracted.  
„What did you say?“  
I am walking her home, after my father had to leave the restaurant early.  
„I said that I want to get a side cut.“  
I raise my eyebrow and look at her long, dark hair.  
„Why would you do that?“  
„Because I want to“, she says and I smile.  
If there´s anyone who is more determined than me, it´s her.  
But unlike me, she doesn´t give a shit about school.  
She rather spends her days designing crazy dresses, listening to Linkin Park and going out with boys who scare even me.  
My father is probably about to put her in a boarding school.  
„Well, if you want to look like some fake punk girl, go ahead.“  
She pouts and flicks her hair.  
„What about you? Aren´t you having something exciting coming up?“  
I snort.  
„Only if you would consider an exam in Law exciting.“  
„I wouldn´t. No pretty boys?“  
She grins at me and lets the little devil she is show again.  
Since she found out that I´m gay, she always tries to set me up with someone if she gets the chance.  
I feel like she has an unhealthy obsession with gay boys.  
„No“, I say shortly, trying not to think about Snow and especially not about the mole on his neck, right above his collar.  
Only fools fall for a straight boy, I remind myself.  
But I´m afraid that I have to call myself one.

Most people don´t like Mondays and I´m no exeption. It´s not even like I would hate to get up so early, normally I manage to get out off bed just fine. No, I simply hate university right now.  
The classes, the professors, the people...  
It´s making me sick, sitting there with fifty other students, listening to a professor who looks almost as bored as I feel.  
Well, I have to admit that I don´t think even I would be able to make this lecture sound interesting.  
Niall, who is sitting next to me, doesn´t even pretend to listen, he´s currently on a mission to achieve the next level on Candy Crush.  
On my left, Holly is taking notes, but I can see she´s having a hard time to stay focused.  
We met last month, when uni started. Since she is majoring in Law as well, it was unavoidable to see each other often and somehow, she always ends up sitting next to me.  
She is a very cheerful person, which can be kind of annoying sometimes, but at the same time she is sharp and curious, what I like.  
Not that we would be friends, but she is one of the more bearable people around me. Sometimes we even eat lunch together or talk about homework and other students in our breaks.  
Eventually, I give up trying to concentrate on the professor and let my thoughts wander to the pressing problem I´m thinking about basically since I opened my eyes today.  
Should I visit Snow?  
I could go to the coffee shop after my last class, or maybe just step by and grab a coffee-to-go before music theory starts.  
But wouldn´t that seem too eager?  
(I am eager to see him again, but he doesn´t have to know that)  
No, I definitely won´t go today.  
So... the real question is – should I see him again at all?  
I probably shouldn´t.  
We only really talked once and he´s already got me hooked – I really don´t like that.  
Who am I kidding?  
I´m actually scared as fuck, because I´ve never felt like this before.  
As I see it, I should keep my distance and try to get him off my mind.

### Simon

„Is everything alright, Simon?“  
Penny gives me a concerned look.  
„Yeah“, I say and smile at her.  
Of course Penny would notice that I´m distracted, she is so damn smart.  
„Are you sure? You look like you haven´t slept in ages.“  
That´s more or less true, but I don´t want her to worry about me.  
„I´m fine, Pen“, I tell her, then snatch a fry from her plate. She glares at me, but can´t hide her smile.  
Surprisingly, I really do feel fine.  
Tired, definitely. And a little fidgety, but I´m okay.  
I´ve finally got the hang of our topic in physics today, which has made me really proud.  
(Honestly, I´m so relieved. I was sure I´d fail the next exam)  
Also, I saw Agatha on my way to the cafeteria and she nodded at me, even smiled a little.  
I´m taking that as a huge progress.  
After we broke up, she didn´t really want to speak with me at all and I know she was mad at me.  
It bothered me ever since, but I didn´t know what to do so she wouldn´t be angry anymore.  
But maybe she´s forgiven me now. Maybe we can even be friends again.  
And I don´t have to work today, but I actually think I´ll go to the coffee shop anyway, to study for my upcoming exam. Ally might be there, we could chat a little.  
So, after my last class I rush to the shop.  
Before I open the door, I run my fingers through my curls.  
(Why do I have to be cursed with moles and curls? One thing would be enough not to be taken seriously, but both?)  
Ally isn´t there.  
Nobody is there.  
Well, besides Mary, since she´s got shift today until six, but we don´t really get along that well, so I just nod and then sit down on a table far from the counter.  
I try to study, but somehow, I can´t focus.  
It´s half past five, when my stomach starts to grumble, but I don´t really have any money to spare for a scone or at least a muffin.  
I´m pretty sure that there are some Cup Noodles left in my pantry that I can eat for dinner. Again.  
But I´m not that hungry, I should probably stay here and study a little longer.  
At six, Mary leaves and Henry takes over her shift.  
He greets me with a smile and we chat between two or three customers.  
An hour later, I decide to go.  
I´m so hungry that Cup Noodles suddenly sound really appealing and... and Baz was never here this late.  
Of course I didn´t exactly expect for him to be here, I tell myself when I walk home.  
I didn´t even really hope he would come (did I?).  
It´s just... maybe I did expect it?  
Maybe I´m just pissed, because he left so suddenly, yesterday.  
I should really stop thinking about him.  


### Baz

The next three days are going by with studying for Law, working on my fugue, football training and lunches with Niall and Holly.  
I´m starting to suspect Holly might be into Niall, which surprises me a little. Not that Niall would be dumb, but he isn´t exactly a genius either, he´s most interested in track and field and girls.  
Furthermore, I´m quite sure Holly isn´t his type.  
She´s got red hair, wears glasses and is flat-chested.  
(After knowing Niall for almost my whole life, I know his preferences when it comes to girls pretty well)  
But on the other hand, his only real girlfriend wasn´t blonde and she didn´t wear high heels, so maybe it isn´t a completely lost case after all.  
Usually, I wouldn´t care one bit about the love life of Niall and Holly, but I need something to distract me.  
Snow.  
I haven´t seen him since Sunday and I´m starting to question my brilliant plan to never go back to that stupid coffee shop.  
Sure, I´m still convinced that it would be the right thing to do, but I have to ask myself (much to my disgrace), if I possess enough willpower to stay away from him.  
Get a grip, Pitch, I tell myself sternly,  
Who am I? Some lovesick teenager? No, for sure. I´m going to sit this out, this... obsession won´t last for ever, will it?  
On Friday, I rush home after class, because I just want to shut out the world as quickly and efficiantly as I can.  
I would read a book, maybe drink some whine.  
Or maybe, I´d actually accept Niall´s offer and go clubbing with him.  
Nothing I´d normally do and nothing I particularly enjoy, but maybe I just need to... let loose a little.  
Afterall, perhaps Sex could solve this problem for me? Maybe I´m just... well, maybe I´m really just so obsessed with Snow, because I find him to be attractive.  
If I´d find some other boy, any other boy with curls and blue eyes, maybe afterwards I could think straight again.  
I close the door to my appartment behind me, my phone already in my hand and I´m just about to call Niall -  
„Hello, Basilton.“  
I´m nearly having a fit when I see my father stand up from the couch.  
„Father. What are you doing here?“  
His presence confuses me. He´s nobody to just visit unannounced.  
I´m starting to get a bad feeling in my stomach.  
He seems... exhausted.  
It´s barely noticable, only in the way his shoulders hunch ever so slightly, in the grey shadows under his sharp eyes.  
„I only wanted to inform you, that you´re sister... well, she is ill.“  
„Ill?“ My voice is sharp like a razor. Demanding.  
„What do you mean?“  
„She´s... she has leukemia.“  
I´m so relieved, I almost laugh.  
„Sure, father.“  
I shake my head in disbelieve.  
Just the sound of it is so silly. Why would he say something like that?  
The amusement vanishes from my face as soon as I see the look in my father´s eyes.  
„I´m not joking, Basilton. You should know that.“  
My head is spinning.  
„I don´t understand. Mordelia... she is not – she is not sick.“  
Because, if she was, I would know. (I would know – she tells me everything)  
„I´m afraid that she indeed is ill. We´ve had to commit her to a specialised clinic. I´m sure they´ll be able to heal her.“  
„But... how do you know? Since when is she sick? Why didn´t I know about it?“  
There is impatience and pity in his voice.  
„We know, because your sister wasn´t eating anymore, she had bruises on her skin for no visible reason and she is always exhausted. So we took her to the doctor and he ran multiple blood tests and... now we know.“  
I can´t comprehend it.  
How is it possible that I didn´t notice?  
I try to think back, I´ve just seen her a couple days ago!  
And, yes, she looked skinny, probably skinnier than she used to be, but she was always thin.  
I didn´t think it was anything to worry about.  
I didn´t think.  


### Simon

I´ve planned to ignore him completely if he should ever set foot in this coffee shop again.  
He obviously didn´t waste one thought about me the last week, so I should show him that I couldn´t care less wether I see him or not.  
But now here he stands and he looks horrible and I just can´t bring myself to brush him off.  
His pupils are dilated, his skin looks grey and it´s just... I don´t know, I guess the way he moves that just tells me something is terribly wrong.  
„Baz.“  
It´s all I manage to say.  
He stares at me like he doesn´t recognize me.  
But he does, because he says: „Snow.“  
„You´re back.“  
„Apparently.“  
I can see he is shaking and suddenly I have to resist the urge to jump over the counter and pull him into me and tell him everything will be alright.  
„Are you okay?“, I ask stupidly, even though it´s painfully obvious that he isn´t okay.  
„No“, he says and there is just the slightest tremble in his voice.  
I nod. I don´t push him, I don´t think he wants to tell me about... whatever makes him so upset, but that´s okay. Afterall, I am a stranger to him.  
(I´m actually really curious why he decided to come here, when he is so devastated)  
„Do you want to... sit down?“  
He blinks, then slowly nods.  
Despite his condition, he still manages to turn gracefully on his heel and walk to the next table.  
I check the time.  
Well, there´s only fifteen minutes left until the end of my shift and Mary is already here, sitting behind the counter with her headphones in, scrolling through instagram.  
I walk over to her and tip on her shoulder.  
The look she gives me is clearly annoyed, but she takes out one headphone.  
„What is it?“  
„Could you please take it from here?“, I ask her.  
„In fifteen minutes.“  
„No, now. Please, it´s... an emergency. And there´s no one here right now anyways.“  
She follows my gaze to Baz, who is staring stupidly into nothing.  
„Okay, fine“, she finally says and puts aways her headphones.  
I thank her, then take out everything for my favorite drink.  
Five minutes later, I sit down in front of Baz and push the steaming cup off coffee to his side of the table.  
Finally, he seems to snap out of his daze and looks at me.  
„I don´t have my wallet with me, Snow.“  
I shrug, because I already assumed that he didn´t have any money with him, since he isn´t even wearing a jacket.  
(He must be freezing)  
„It´s okay, I got it“, I say casually, as if it wouldn´t be a big deal.  
And that would be true for almost everybody else, but to me, it actually is, because it´s my free coffee that I´m giving to Baz, so I really hope he is grateful.  
Sceptically, he eyes the cup.  
„What is that?“  
„A Pumpkin Mocha Breve“, I say proudly. „My own creation.“  
He raises an eyebrow and I can´t help it, I grin.  
Because it is so like him.  
Because I missed him.  
„Come on, try it.“  
He shoots me a look as if I would try to poison him, but takes a sip anyways.  
„Wow, Snow, this is pure sugar“, he comments.  
„No, it´s not. It´s sugar and spice and the best coffee in town.“  
He rolls his eyes.  
An awkward silence settles between us.  


### Baz

I don´t know what brought me here.  
I swear, when I left the house, I didn´t plan to come here at all.  
It just happened.  
One second, I was stumbling out of the appartment door and the next, I was standing in front of the coffee shop, almost freezing to death.  
Everything felt like in a dream, it´s only now, with my icy fingers around a hot cup of coffee and Snow´s blue eyes locking with mine that I feel like I´m slowly returning to reality.  
With that comes the hurt.  
I can feel myself starting to shake again and my eyes are burning.  
(Don´t cry)  
„Hey.“ Snow sounds hesitant, uncertain.  
„Do you... do you wanna talk about it?“  
I shake my head, because I don´t trust myself to speak.  
Tomorrow, my father will take me to the hospital, where my sister is.  
My little sister, who is probably going to die.  
My sister is going to die.  
The doctors said there is hope, my father had said, but I don´t think I can believe them.  
They said the same thing about my mother and now look where she is.  
(Don´tcrydon´tcrydon´tcry)  
I didn´t cry in a very, very long time and I definitely don´t intend to do it here, now, in front of Snow.  
„I´ve been wondering“, Snow says and I look at him, „if maybe I should try another coffee-recipe, for, you know, greater selection.“  
He refers to our last meeting.  
Don´t you have coffee at home?  
I do, but maybe I prefer a greater selection?  
I shrug and say: „Why not. It can´t be worse than your Pumpkin Mocha Breve.“  
„Come on, you know you like it.“ He smirks at me and I want to kiss him.  
I want to kiss him. It´s a truth so loud I can´t ignore and it makes me feel disgusted with myself.  
I´ve just been told that Mordelia has cancer and I think about snogging Simon Snow.  
What kind of person am I?  
I need to pull myself together.  
„I have to go“, I say briskly. Snow looks confused.  
„But... you´ve just come here?“  
„That was probably a mistake.“  
I can see his face darken and it hurts me.  
„What the fuck is wrong with you? You didn´t show up for five days and I was pretty pissed, but I thought you just wouldn´t want to come anymore and it was okay and now you´re here looking like absolute shit, but don´t want to tell me anything and I´m worried about you and then you just say it was a mistake to come here!“  
He closes his mouth, looking outright horrified.  
Now it would be my turn to say something to him (either calm him down or sneer at him), but I´m still processing what he just blurted out.  
I´m not sure if he was trying to tell me to fuck off or if he wanted to ask me to stay.  
Probably both.  
„Snow...“, I start, then hesitate, unsure what to say.  
„Thanks for the coffee.“  
He snorts.  
„Whatever.“  
Now I can´t deny it – he looks hurt.  
Something in me seems to break open and I can feel myself tear up again, which is simply mortifying.  
But it´s been quite a while since I´ve seen someone care about me – and it´s never been anyone like Snow. (There is no one else like Simon Snow)  
He stands up and wants to turn his back on me, return to the counter and carry on with his life, but I don´t let him.  
Instead of just leaving (as I most likely should do), I grab his wrist.  
He spins around, blue eyes angry and astonished at the same time.  
„I would... I think I would like to see you again. Here. Maybe, tomorrow? When does your shift end?“  
For a moment he just stares at me and I´m almost sure that he´ll tell me to go to hell and stop harrassing him, but then he says: „I don´t work on Saturdays, but I´ve a shift on Sunday. I´ll be done by six.“  
With that, he wrenches his arm from my grip and finally turns on me.  


### Simon

I really don´t know why I basically invited Baz to see me again on Sunday.  
Or, actually – I do know.  
Because even though he is annoying and sarcastic and unfairly rich, I like him.  
Somehow.  
I enjoy his company.  
Maybe, because he´s challenging or because he´s different than anyone else I know.  
That doesn´t mean though I´d have to be anxious to see him again.  
It´s not like this would be a date.  
Wait – what am I even thinking? Of course it isn´t a date. He is a boy.  
(Does that matter?) (Am I being homophobic?)  
Since I don´t plan on wasting my Saturday only on schoolwork and unwished thoughts of a pale boy with grey eyes, I go over to Penny´s.  
„I bought maple syrup“, she greets me, as soon as I stand in her doorstep.  
Her hair is messy (I think she might be the only person I know with curlier hair than mine) and she wears sweatpants and an oversized shirt.  
I smile, because I already knew I was going to make breakfast for us.  
Not that I would mind, I actually love it.  
Penny always buys all the ingredients, but because I´m the one who cooks, it doesn´t feel like she would pay for me as much as it otherwise would. (I know Penny can´t cook for her life – she always burns everything)  
We chat about our current favorite TV Show, while I´m making Pancakes and she´s trying her best to tame her hair.  
When we sit down at the table, one of her little brothers walks in and trys to sneek a pancake.  
„You´ve already eaten!“, Penny says sternly and snatches his hand away.  
He pouts, but grins at me.  
I like most of Penny´s siblings a lot. They´re all so smart and independent, but also unbelievably stubborn.  
„I love all of them wholeheartedly“, Penny once told me „but I just don´t think we were made to live together. I need more space!“  
„I´ve been thinking“, Penny says as soon as her brother is out of the door again, „maybe we should move in together.“  
It´s not the first time she´s suggesting that.  
Surely, it sounds great to share a flat with her, but... I don´t think it would be a good idea.  
For one, even though Penny is not as rich as most of the kids at the university, she can still afford a way better flat than I could.  
And, besides that... I´m afraid that maybe my father would show up when she´s there.  
Just thinking about it makes my stomach turn.  
No, I can´t move in with Penny.  
„That sounds great, but what about Micah?“ I´m talking about her american boyfriend.  
I´ve met him once and he seems like a great guy, all chill and bright and he adores Penny.  
„Well, he isn´t here right now, is he?“  
She´s trying really hard to sound casual, but I catch the slight edge to her voice.  
„Pen, is everything alright with you two?“, I ask her as softly as I can.  
She smiles weakly at me.  
„Yeah, yeah. Of course.“  
There´s silence for a moment, while I wait for her to continue.  
„Nothing´s really wrong, it´s just... He is so far away and even though we talk, it lately feels like it wouldn´t be enough. We call us a couple, but are we, really?“  
I´m shocked, because I´ve never heard Penny talk like this about her relationship.  
„You are if you want to be?“, I suggest.  
She shakes her head.  
„No. That´s not how it works, Simon. Just wanting to be something doesn´t atomatically mean you will also become that.“  
„But... What is the problem? You´re relationship worked so far, didn´t it? Or... did anything happen?“  
„It worked, because I believed that we had... a future together. I thought we would live together eventually.“  
„And you will!“  
„When? How? I don´t want to move to America and Micah is starting college and his family is there, everyone he loves. And I´m here. I can´t just drop out of England´s best university for a boy! And the conclusion is that he can´t do that as well. So... were does it leave us?“  
Her voice is so full of hurt and so hopeless that I reach out and hug her.  
Just for a moment, she lets me hold her before pulling away. (We aren´t really the kind of friends who hug and hold hands all the time)  
„And I know I should talk to him about it, but... I don´t want him to think that I´m desperate or that I can´t handle it.“  
„But, Pen, you can´t handle it.“  
She glares at me.  
„I can very well handle it. I simply don´t like the current situation too much.“  
She sighs.  
„You have to understand, it is kind of frustrating when neither your boyfriend nor your best friend talk to you about their feelings.“  
I blush.  
„There is nothing to talk about!“  
She rolls her eyes.  
„I don´t mean your stupid crush on whatever girl you just met, Simon. You´ll come around when you need my advise. No, what I mean is the fact that you won´t tell me why we can´t move in together. You won´t tell me how you managed to get into an elite university without a schoolarship, while you´re always broke. You won´t tell me why you can´t sleep.“  
She has that determined look of her´s, the one she always gets when she tries to pull every single bit of information out off you, whether you want to tell her or not.  
But I won´t let her see me.  
I can feel my face closing of, me shutting her out.  
She recognizes the expression and sighs, because she realises that I´m not going to tell her anything.  


### Baz

„Promise me we´ll go shopping for wigs, Baz“, Mordelia demands.  
I look at the strands of black hair, just like mine, that caress her cheeks and fall over her shoulder.  
„We can, but you´ll have to pay. I´m not going to spend my money on beauty products for you, Delia.“  
„Fine.“ She rolls her eyes.  
When I first set foot into the hospital room, Mordelia´s eyes locked with mine and I knew there was no way I was going treat her any differently from how I normally would.  
I´m alomst certain she would lose it if I did.  
So I´m here, not quite pretending everything´s normal, but pretending this would be a short period of time. Some lost hair. Some sizes down, but she would be fine.  
Now that I see her, I understand that this is how we have to take it from here. You have to pretend  
you´ll get an endgame. You have to carry on like you will; otherwise, you can´t carry on at all.  
Regarding myself, I´m not yet convinced I´ll be able to go on like nothing has happened, but I know that Mordelia can. She is a surviver, nothing will break her spirits. (At least that´s what I desperatly want to believe)  
„As soon as this brilliant chemotherapy is over, I want to buy at least five different wigs.“ She pauses for a moment, apparently considering all different kinds of hairstyles.  
„At least one has to be blonde“, she then states.  
„Blonde? Do you want to look like a starved Barbie Doll?“  
„Come on, I´m way prettier than a Barbie Doll. And I have way less boobs. So, becoming blonde won´t make me look like a Barbie Doll at all.“  
While she keeps on musing about different colours and lengths, I put out my laptop.  
My fugue isn´t nearly ready yet and the submission date is in ten days, so it is indeed necessary to work on it more intensely.  
I spend the whole day at the hospital, working on my fugue, studying and watching stupid tv shows with my sister.  
It almost feels normal, but it at the same time, nothing´s ever felt more wrong.  
At six o´clock, I stand up and stretch my back, readying myself to leave.  
Mordelia is watching me packing up my stuff and for the first time today, she seems sad.  
„When will you visit again?“, she asks while I button up my coat.  
„Next Saturday? Would that be alright with you?“  
I´d come back tomorrow, if it was possible, but the drive takes three hours and I don´t have a car yet. (My father refuses to buy me one, he insists I don´t need it in London) (Well, he might not be that wrong afterall, but what about occasions like this one?)  
„Yeah, it´s fine. But... I think I´ll be totally bored, so I might call you sometime. You´ll take my call, right?“  
My chest aches a little, because I can see the fear shine through her bold facade.  
„Of course. I need someone to annoy me on an intellectuel level, don´t I?“  
She smiles and I kiss her goodbye, before I leave.

For Sunday, I´ve planned to spend it with studying for my exam in Law and keep working on my fugue.  
I get up quite early (which might have to do with the fact that I hardly slept last night) and spend the morning being pleasingly productive.  
Holly calls me and persuades me to get lunch with her, so that we can go over our notes together.  
It´s not too bad, she´s nice and doesn´t talk too much and reluctantly, I have to admit that it can help sometimes to study with another person.  
So, overall, I do an excellent job of not thinking about Snow until about three pm.  
Then, I´m starting to get nervous.  
I try to focus on the book I´m reading, but I give it up after I´ve read two pages and suddenly realised I had no idea what I´ve just been reading.  
I end up pacing around my flat, half-heartedly cleaning up the already tidy place.  
Snow´s shift ends at six, he said.  
Maybe I should be at the coffee shop a little earlier, just to make sure he wouldn´t already be gone by the time I got there...  
As soon as the thought pops up in my mind, I´m embarrassed.  
If Snow doesn´t want to see me after my previous behaviour, I can´t blame him. Not at all.  
There is a chance – and it is not that small – that he will have changed his mind and decided that he doesn´t want to talk to me. I have to be prepared for that possibility. (I´m horrified by the thought of it. I´d probably break down if he wouldn´t be there) (At least internally)  
And I am not going to try and corner him, won´t be trying to cling to him and beg him to stay with me. (Stay with me? He is not exactly with me, is he?)  
By the time I´m supposed to go, I´m almost freaking out.  
Strangely enough, I now wish my sister would be here to talk me down.  
She is always able to calm me with her sniding comments and smart remarks.  
Get it together. I´m twenty years old and I surely don´t need my little sister to hold my hand while  
I´m getting ready for a date. Which in fact isn´t even really a date. Not at all, unfortunately.  


### Simon

The door opens at exactly six pm.  
I can´t help but smile, when I see Baz entering the shop, mostly because (before he notices I´m watching), he seems just a tiny bit nervous.  
As soon as he sees me, a smirk appears on his face and I feel myself blush, so I hastily turn away to grab my bag, before he stands in front of the counter.  
„I hope you saved the last order of the day for me?“, he asks, still slightly smirking.  
(I guess smirking is progress, compared to his usual sneer)  
„Yeah, um, what do you want to drink?“, I ask. (Why do I always feel so stupid in front of him?)  
„You decide“, he answers nonchalantly, then turning away to get us a table.  
I can feel Henry watching curiously.  
„Is that... who is that?“, he asks me.  
I think about the question, while preparing two Pumpkin Mocha Breves.  
Friends isn´t really the right term to describe our relationship.  
„Um, that´s Baz. We sometimes study together.“  
Henry looks at me weirdly, but then just smiles and thankfully shrugs it off.  
After I´ve finished making the coffees, Baz takes out his wallet and pays for both of them.  
I shake my head.  
„You don´t have to pay for me“, I say, feeling a blush creep up my cheeks again.  
„Well, you payed for me last time and a Pitch always pays his depts.“  
„Baz, don´t be ridiculous.“  
He rolls his eyes.  
„You´re the one being ridiculous, Snow. Just let me pay, then we´ll be even.“  
„I get a free coffee everyday anyways, because I work here.“  
„Congratulations, that means you´ll get two free drinks today.“  
With that, he hands me his money and takes the coffees to carefully bring the full cups to our table.  
I sigh, but decide to let it go. I did pay for him last time, so I guess it´s okay.  
When I sit down, I try to study him inconspicouosly.  
Even though he is still pale as a ghost, I think he looks better than last time. His eyes aren´t glazed, his hair is styled.  
And he´s been wearing a jacket, when he came in.  
As usual, his face doesn´t give any hint on his emotions, but his long, elegant fingers play with the cup, so he might not be as calm as he tries to appear.  
„Snow, I have to apologise“, he starts, without looking me in the eyes.  
„My behaviour on Saturday was... quite unacceptable.“  
„I´d rather call it strange.“  
He looks up to glare at me, but lowers his eyes again when he goes on: „I didn´t intend to bother you in this... unflattering state of mine.“  
I roll my eyes, but smile at the same time, because now he is definitely anxious and it´s a relief to know that I´m not the only awkward person at the table.  
„Hey, no worries. You were here like, ten minutes. Everything´s fine.“  
As I say it, he looks up, visibly relieved. Some of the tension between us fades.  
„Good“, he says and almost – almost – smiles.  
„Yeah, um, but... why were you so worked up in the first place?“, I finally bring up the courage to ask.  
He´s looking down at his fingers again (how is it possible for hands to be that pretty?) and stays silent.  
Just when I´m sure he won´t answer anymore, he quietly says: „It´s about my sister.“  
And then he tells me and my heart fills with compassion.  
Since I´m an only child, I don´t really know what it´s like to have siblings, but I imagine it must feel like if something would happen to Penny – maybe even worse.  
And cancer is so... hopeless. There´s nothing you can do about it as a brother.  
„I´m so sorry, Baz“, I say and I hope he knows how genuine I mean it. Judging by the look in his eyes, I think he does.  
My heart aches as the sight of the grief-stricken boy in front of me.  
He avoids my gaze, fingers shaking ever so slightly.  
I curse myself for being so bad at comforting people.  
Slowly, I reach out to somehow pat his arm.  
He gives me a surprised look, probably wondering what the hell I´m trying to do, so I quickly pull my hand back.  
The last thing he needs right now is me acting weird. (That is, more weird than usual).  
„Well, maybe it´s time to change the topic“, he says, taking a sip from his cup.  
„What about your new recipe? Will it be as unbearably sugary as this is?“  
„For you doesn´t like the taste of it at all, you don´t seem to have a problem with chugging half of it in under five minutes“, I tease him, even though I´m aware that I am exaggerating a bit.  
„And, actually, I haven´t really started with the recipe yet.“  
„Why not?“  
„I don´t know, somehow I lack inspiration.“  
We talk for almost an hour and I´m amazed by how easy it is.  
I have no idea how he does it, but in some way, my words come more fluently with him. Also, he is probably the most interesting person I know (besides Penny).  
He´s got an opinion on everything we talk about and sometimes we agree, but just as often, we  
don´t, but I actually really like discussing with him. (Even though I always loose)  
At half past six, he begins to shift in his seat, looking at the clock for the first time this evening.  
„I´ll better get going“, he says.  
„When are you free on Monday?“  
Like it is inevitable, I feel my face part into a smile.  
„Monday is tomorrow, Baz, you do know that?“  
He raises an eyebrow at me and says: „As a matter of fact, I do know the weekdays by heart. Unlike you, Snow, as it seems.“  
I roll my eyes, because I can´t manage to glare at him while I´m smiling like an idiot.  
„Idiot.“  
Unimpressed, he smirks at me.  
„I´m done by five.“  
„Great. I´ll be there.“  
With that, he picks up his bag – which probably costs more than I make in a year – and leaves.  
I stare at his back, watching him walk away, still smiling.  


### Baz

It has become a routine: I´d meet Snow every day he works at the little shop to drink coffee with him. (Pumpkin Mocha Breve, 90% of the time)  
We´d chat about uni, sports (I´ve found out that Snow does track and field, hence his beautiful body) (I´m so glad he isn´t into heavy lifting – huge muscles aren´t really my thing) and everything else, really.  
Politics, unfortunately, isn´t something Snow is overly interested in, neither does he read particularly much (pity, indeed), but what he does like to talk about is art.  
Surprisingly, he is an excellent artist – after some persuading, I finally convinced him to show me some of his drawings, and they are outstanding. When I told him so, he blushed furiously.  
And of course, we talk about Mordelia. He always asks how she is, if the treatment is going well. (Since she´s still undergoing chemotherapy, there isn´t really any information wether she´ll be better or not – right now, she is just suffering)  
Her misery is driving me mad and I tell Snow about it. He doesn´t actually say anything, he just nods and his blue eyes show empathy and understanding and it makes me want to kiss him so bad.  
Overall, you could say things are quite good with him – in fact, they are more than good.  
This is why I had to set a rule: We´d only ever meet in the coffee shop, nowhere else. No hanging out at the uni, no getting lunch together, no studying at my place.  
Well, obviously, I hate my rule. Even though I see him five days a week, it still feels like it´s not enough. We´re never alone. There´s always a table between us.  
But that´s exactly the point.  
He is too good to be good for me.  
Too beautiful, too bright, too endearing, too much Snow.  
He is going to break my heart.  
As it happens, he´s already doing it.  
Everytime I see him, I feel this strange ache, this heavy pull inside of my chest.  
Sometimes even when I just think about him. (Which I do pretty much every waking hour of mine)  
There are moments, when I forget that he is straight and different from me and not interested.  
Because, there are times where I wonder for a second if there might be a hint of hope afterall.  
Sometimes he´d touch me without any reason, trying to make it seem casual, but he simply can´t act for the life of his´. His face is an open book.  
And the way he smiles at me – it´s making me realise that I am indeed hopeless.  
Hopelessly in love with him.  
I´ve never been in love before, so there´s no one I can compare him to, but – I just know that there is nobody that could ever come close to him.  
I´m a sucker for his imperfections.  
One time, he said he didn´t like his moles and that kids sometimes used to make fun of him, because of them.  
All I wanted to do was to take off his clothes and kiss every single mole on his body and tell him how unbearably gorgeous he is.  
How much I love every part of his body.  
How often I dream about him.  
Well, thoughts like these make it a challenge to be friends with him.  
On the other side, never happened anything better to me than becoming Snow´s friend.  
I´m not going to tell him, but I am certain that I wouldn´t be able to survive Mordelia´s illness without Snow to keep me sane.  
The day of my big law exam is a Friday, which means I´ll meet Snow in the evening.  
That´s the only thing that keeps me going throughout the day, after I kind of flunked my exam.  
I mean, I´m sure that I´ll pass, but probably only barely.  
It wasn´t even near my usual standarts and even though I did expect it somehow, since I studied way too little and wasn´t focused in class for the last two weeks, it still came as a shock.  
I´ve never messed up a test that bad since seventh grade, when I´ve been sick for three weeks straight and then had to take a maths test, where I got a D.  
And of course, my studies aren´t my number one priority at the moment, but it still hits me that I´ve fucked up so bad.  
That´s not like me at all.  
I like being top of the class. I am usually the smartest person in the room and I want my grades to reflect that.  


### Simon

As soon as Baz enters the shop, I can see that something is wrong.  
I´m instantly worried, because I´m afraid it could have to do with his sister.  
He waits impatiently for me to end my shift and brew us coffee, then we sit down at a table at the window.  
„What´s wrong?“, I ask.  
He sighes, seeming annoyed, but I´m not sure if he is because of me or his situation.  
„I messed up my exam in law.“  
At first, I am surprised, but, really, his sister is in the hospital. I assume he´s got other things on his mind than some stupid statute books.  
„You failed?“, I ask cautiously.  
He looks at me like I am retarded.  
„Well, I didn´t fail, but I´m certainly not under the top five. Actually, I might be below average.“  
I roll my eyes.  
„Wow, that´s bad. It´d probably be best to just drop out off uni right now. I mean, nobody will be able to take you seriously ever again, after you messed up like this.“  
Now it´s his turn to roll his eyes at me, but I can see that he has to hide a smile (which makes me grin).  
„However, how did your exam go?“  
I shrug.  
„Okay, I guess. I think I passed. Hopefully.“  
Unlike Baz, I don´t worry about it too much. But there is something else, something I do worry about and I´m having an inner conflict whether I should tell him or not.  
The thing is... we spend a lot of time together. Like, a lot. He´s always here when my shift ends  
(I´m looking forward to it the whole day) and I think it´s legit to call us friends by now.  
But even though, he´s never asked me to meet him somewhere else or tries to approach me at the university. Not that we´d run into each other often, but it´s happened and he just nodded at me, before strolling past me. That´s really confusing. (It´s hurting me, if I´m honest)  
At the same time, I don´t know why I´m making such a big deal about it – where is the problem to simply ask him to hang out sometimes? Friends do stuff like that. And, also, if he wouldn´t like to spend time with me, then he wouldn´t meet me here every other day.  
But somehow, I´m... too shy to ask him. I´m afraid he could say no.  
I´m pretty sure he senses that something is off, because he looks at me with his (stunning) grey eyes and raises one of his sharp eyebrows.  
„What´s the matter, Snow?“  
With a deep breath, I´m preparing myself to ask him, when someone shouts: „Simon!“  
My head spins around and I see Agatha at the door, heading towards us.  
She looks absolutely beautiful and it´s nice to see her with a smile directed at me again, but somehow I really don´t want her to come over just now. I´ve no clue why, but I do.  
„Hey, Agatha“, I say to her with a smile that feels wrong. I glance over at Baz.  
His gaze is fixated on Agatha, expression smooth.  
My stomach clenches.  
Agatha looks at him, her full lips slightly parting, before she flashes him a bright smile, which he returns.  
I want to grab her and drag her out off this shop, so Baz can never look at her again.  
(Why am I so weird? It almost feels like I´m...)  
Agatha turns to me again, touching my arm lightly.  
„Well, I´ve just stepped by, because I saw you here and I thought... we should hang out together again. It´s been so long and Penny is still mad at me.“  
She shakes her head and grins slightly at me.  
„Yeah, I´m sure she´s gonna get over it“, I say.  
„Anyways, I don´t mean to be rude, but what are you doing here with Basil? I didn´t know you two knew each other.“  
I feel my cheeks heat up and I avoid her gaze. Since I don´t really know what to say, I just shrug.  
„We met a few weeks ago by coincidence. As you might know, Snow is a talented artist and I happen to share his passion.“  
Baz voice is even and elegant and sharp as always.  
Too many different emotions rise inside me at his words and I´m not capable of deciding which one is the strongest.  
Dread, because I´ve actually never told Agatha that I draw and I don´t want her to be mad at me again. Confusion paired with a little annoyance, because he makes it sound like we would be some kind of art club and that would be the only reason for our meetings. And finally, I´m feeling my heart pound like crazy, because he´s just called me talented. I can´t remember the last time someone did that and now it´s Baz of all people.  
Agatha seems irritated. „Oh, yeah? I... yeah, Simon is a great artist, of course.“  
She glares at me, clearly pissed off.  
„Well... I´ll have to get going, but we should definitely meet up soon. You can bring Basil as well, if you´d like to.“  
With that, she flips her hair over her shoulder and leaves.  
An uncomfortable silence settles between Baz and me.  
Eventually, Baz breaks it.  
„So, is she a friend of yours or your ex girlfriend?“  
„Ex.“  
His fingers play with the napkin.  
„Well, she seems to be interested again.“  
I laugh a little.  
„No, she really isn´t. We... it didn´t end so well with us.“  
„Who broke it off?“  
„Technically her, but I was being a real jerk, so it´s been my fault.“  
His eyes are piercing as always when he looks at me.  
„Did you cheat on her?“  
„No!“ It makes me angry that he thinks I would do something like that.  
„Well, dumb question. She´s gorgeous, so it would have been incredibly stupid of you. Most guys would do anything to keep her. Why didn´t you?“  
My gaze shoots up at him.  
„So, you think she´s hot?“  
„I´m not blind, Snow. It is perfectly clear how stunning she is. Doesn´t necessarily mean I have to be attracted to her, though.“  
Somehow I can´t look away. Is he lying to me? Everyone is into Agatha. (That´s why I´ve never understood why she chose me of all guys to be her boyfriend)  
„But you didn´t answer my question: Why haven´t you tried to keep her?“  
I shrug and lower my gaze.  
„I´m a pretty shitty bofriend and Agatha and I... we don´t match.“  
„Good to know.“  
His tone is neutral and his face doesn´t give anything away, but just his words make my heart race again.  
I remember my conflict from before Agatha showed up.  
Baz is looking down now, his long lashes casting dark shadows onto his cheeks.  
I gather all of my courage and ask: „Why do we never hang out? I mean, somewhere else. Not here.“  
Of course, I have to stumble over my words again. I even stuttered a little and embarassment washes over me, my cheeks red again. (I don´t think I´ve ever blushed as much in my whole life as I have in the last couple of weeks)  


### Baz

It takes me a second to process his words.  
He looks unbelievably pretty with the blush on his cheeks and biting his lower lip.  
„Well... I wasn´t sure if you wanted to.“  
Theoretically, that´s not a lie – I wasn´t one hundred percent certain he would want to spend time with me outside our little safe zone, but that wasn´t the main reason why I didn´t ask him.  
As I said, I´m afraid of being hurt.  
I´ve never thought he would ask me.  
That is my downfall.  
Because how could I ever say no to him?  
„I want to if you want to“, he says, still a little flushed, but tentatively smiling now.  
His eyes shine with hope and I feel myself melting into a puddle on the floor.  
„If you insist“, I manage to croak out, not as smoothly as it was planned.  
He´s grinning this wide grin that takes up his whole face and makes his blue eyes sparkle.  
„So, what should we do? Maybe go to the movies?“  
I´m almost blushing at the thought of him and me in a dark theatre.  
(The movies – isn´t that rather date-like?) (Is he asking me on a date?)  
„If you would like to, sure“, I say and can´t hide my smile.  
„No, I´ve got a better idea! Let´s go ice skating!“  
He seems like a little child, that´s how excited he sounds.  
„Ice skating? Why that?“  
He shrugs.  
„It´s fun, isn´t it? And we have November, so it´s not too early. Please, Baz?“  
I shouldn´t find his hopeful expression that adorable, but I can´t help it.  
„Alright, let´s go ice skating. But, be prepared, Snow; I´m an excellent ice-skater.“  
Leaning back, he crosses his arms and says, challenge in his voice: „We´ll see about that.“

„You have to tell me everything!“, Mordelia demands when I´m preparing to leave.  
I swear, I didn´t plan to tell her about Snow, but she is so bored and I´m so anxious that it didn´t take her long to coax it out off me.  
„Well, that would imply there will be something to tell, which I´m sure it won´t be. It is not a date, Dell.“  
She gives me a pityful look.  
„For sure, Baz. And the sky isn´t blue.“  
„Technically, right now, the sky is indeed grey.“  
Rolling her eyes, she cocks an eyebrow and says: „Come on. He blushed when asking you out and he suggested either the movies or ice skating. That´s probably as romantic as it gets.“  
Actually, that is exactly what I thought as well, but I´m trying to keep my expectations at bay.  
It is Snow, afterall, who´s probably just being nice. I mean, he is – or, at least, was – interested in Agatha Wellbelove. There´s no girl I know who´s more feminine than her, so it´s very likely Snow isn´t attracted to boys. (He could be bisexual?)  
„Whatever. I´m definitely going to impress him with my skating skills either way.“  
She snorts, then starts to caugh.  
„Have fun“, she finally says.  
„And don´t forget our shopping date.“  
„I would never.“  
I give her a quick peck on the forehead and leave the hospital room.  
Even though I told myself multiple times that I´m not going on a date and therefore don´t need to dress up, I end up taking an hour to get ready.  
I´m wearing a dark coat – my favorite one – tight jeans and a dark green sweater.  
Annoyingly, Snow didn´t allow me to pick him up, so we´ll meet directly at the ice rink.  
I´m a little early, which is unsual for me. Normally, I´m perfectly punctual.  
Then again, normally I´m not this nervous before a date.  
While I stand there, freezing and scanning the flow of visitors for bronze curls, I try to recall if I´ve ever had a real date before.  
I assume not.  
Obviously, I did hook up with several guys, but it was never like this.  
There was no anxious waiting and heart racing involved.  
It was a hell lot easier.  
Why couldn´t Snow and I have met at a club or bar? (Why can´t Snow be gay?)  
After a couple drinks, everything is becoming really simple.  
Heat rises in me at the image of Snow and me in a dark corner of a club, of my hands all over him and his perfect lips on my skin.  
I shake my head to get rid of all inappropriate thoughts.  
It´s now five past four pm.  
He´s five minutes late.  
What if he isn´t coming?  
I´ve never been ditched in my whole life – well, except for by Niall, but that doesn´t count. He did forget his own birthday once, so you shouldn´t take it too personal if he ditches you.  
Ten minutes late.  
I won´t lie – I´m starting to panic a little.  
Fifteen minutes late.  
I´m aware of the looks some girls give me, checking me out and whispering with her friends.  
Usually, that makes me feel quite smug, but today I just feel the urge to punch them in their pretty faces.  
Where is Snow?  
Twenty minutes late.  
I decide that I´ll give him five more minutes before I would leave.  
After four minutes, I take the bag with my ice skates, a bitter taste in my mouth.  
Just when I lift my gaze and ready myself to go, I see him.  
He´s running towards me, waving and almost tripping over his own feet.  
„Baz!“  
I have to take a step back to not be tackled to the ground by him.  
„Snow. You are able to read the clock, aren´t you?“  
„I´m so sorry!“ He´s panting, terribly out of breath and clutching my arm.  
Relief is washing over me, so intense, I´m almost starting to laugh.  
He is here.  
He didn´t forget me.  
„I got lost!“, he starts to explain, still breathing hard.  
„Really, I´m so sorry, but I´m not in this area very often and somehow I misread the directions on my phone and I´m -“  
„It´s fine“, I cut off his rambling.  
„Just don´t make me wait another day before we go in.“  
„It´s been only twenty minutes, not a day“, he pouts and it´s all I can do to refrain from kissing him.  
„Thirty minutes. You´ve definitely stretched the academic fifteen minutes a little too far.“  
He rolls his eyes.  
Snow doesn´t have skates, so we have to wait for about ten minutes in a shouting queu.  
It doesn´t bother me, though. Snow is here with me and everything is alright again.  


### Simon

I was so scared that Baz could´ve been gone by the time I arrived at the ice rink that I ran all the way from the bus stop to the entrance.  
No wonder that I´m about to keel over when I finally get there.  
I´m starting to panic when I don´t spot him immediatly, but then I see him.  
The relief is so strong that I bump right into him, because I´m too impatient to slow down in time.  
It doesn´t matter though, he doesn´t seem to be mad at me and just shuts me up when I´m trying to tell him the whole confusing story about missed trains and wrong directions and unhelpful people.  
Somehow it´s weird to be here with him – I´ve only ever spoken with him at the coffee shop and to me, he only exists there.  
But that´s stupid, because he is here, right beside me, looking as handsome as usually.  
I feel giddy and embarassingly happy when he smirks at me, his eyes bright.  
As soon as I got my skates, we enter the ice.  
It takes me only like thirty seconds to realise that Baz didn´t exaggerate when he said he´s an excellent skater.  
Really, he looks like he would have been born to skate.  
It takes my breath away how incredibly elegant and strong he looks while sliding over the ice.  
Unbelievably unfair, that is! Isn´t there anything he is not good at?  
„What are you waiting for, Snow?“  
His eyes are daring and he is made out of trouble.  
I´ve never been one to back down from a challenge, so I push myself away from the wall and follow him over the ice.  
I´m not bad at ice skating. I used to go sometimes in the holidays when I was a kid and I also went several times with Agatha and Penny. (Penny never really joined us though, she just sat on the ranks, drank hot cocoa and read a book, while Agatha and I spinned each other around on the ice, laughing like little kids)  
What I´m trying to say is that it´s not like I wouldn´t be able to keep up a pace, but I´m nothing compared to Baz.  
He is always a step ahead of me, looking over his shoulder and asking me why I´m so slow.  
It makes me determined to catch up with him, just for a minute or so, that´s why I speed up as much as I can until I´m right next to him.  
He turns his head, looking surprised for a moment.  
Then the speed demands it´s tribute and I feel myself slip.  
I spin around on one skate, loosing my balance and I already feel myself landing hard on the ice, when Baz´ arms reach forward and he catches me.  
Now we both stumble for a second, then he regains his balance and steadies me with him.  
I find myself in his embrace, my face only centimeters apart from his.  
(His lashes are so long – how can a boy be that pretty?)  
He exhales and lets go of me.  
I almost stumble again, but catch myself in time.  
Of course, I´m blushing.  
„Well, Snow, I told you I´d be better than you at this“, he smirks.  
I shake my head and try to glare at him, but I´m pretty sure it lacks seriousness, since I´m still thinking about his hands on my back.  
„Come on“, he says and gets moving again – slower this time, so I´m able to stay by his side.  
„Where did you learn to skate like this?“, I ask him.  
He performs an elegant spin on one skate without breaking our rhythm.  
„I´ve skated regularly for almost five years“, he says.  
„It shows.“  
His smirk widens a little bit, until it´s almost a smile.  
„Thanks, Snow.“  
My head is getting dizzy when he looks at me like this, so I desperatly try to think of something to ask.  
„How... how old have you been when you started?“  
„It must have been when I was about eight years old.“  
„Why did you quit?“  
„It was getting too time consuming. Even though I enjoyed it, I still didn´t want to train six days a week. Also, I discovered my passion for soccer, so I decided I´d rather attend soccer trainig three days a week than risk to wear myself out too much at ice skating.“  
„Do you miss it?“  
He thinks about my question for a few moments, before he responds: „Sometimes, I would say. I used to go skating with Niall and Devon when we were in highschool, but now we don´t really do that anymore. So... yes, I indeed miss it occasionally.“  
In a strange way, I feel flattered by his honest answer. Of course, I´m used to his usual sarcastic remarks and how he tends not to answer personal questions seriously, but sneaks his way around it with a joke. But that makes it only more special when he does share something about his life with me.  
„Can you do any tricks?“, I ask him, grinning.  
He cocks an eyebrow at me.  
„Of course.“  
„Will you show me?“  
He seems to consider it for a second, then shrugs.  
„Sure. What would you like to see?“  
„Don´t know. Just do something you think looks cool.“  
I skate towards the wall, while he is heading off to the middle of the hall, where all the skilled people do their fancy little stunts.  
He waits until he´s got enough space.  
Then he starts.  
My mouth is hanging open in astonishment.  
His movements are incredible. To me, he looks like he could easily win the gold medal at the olympics.  
He is jumping and spinning and sliding around, like nothing could harm him, like nobody´s watching. Strong. Graceful. Fucking ruthless.  
As soon as he is finished, some people around me start to applaud spontaneously.  
He doesn´t even glance at them, he simply returns to where I stand.  
„I take your open mouth as a compliment“, he says, looking quite smug.  
„Wow, that was... wow. Like, really good.“  
There are no words in my mind, I´m still stunned.  
He smirks.  
„Too kind of you.“  
I shake my head, trying to snap out of my amazed state.  
„Can you teach me?“, I ask him.  
„Teach you what?“  
„How to do some of these... things. It looked so cool.“  
His expression is sceptical.  
„Snow, it takes time to learn it. It´s not like I could simply give you some instructions and then you could do it.“  
„You learned it. I´m sure I can as well.“  
„Yes, but it took me five years.“  
„Certainly it didn´t take that long to learn every single move.“  
He shakes his head.  
„You´re unbelievably stubborn, do you know that?“  
I grin.  


### Baz

Snow might not be the most elegant person in this world, but you can´t say he wouldn´t be determined.  
I´m trying to teach him the sit spin and of course, he complains that this figure wouldn´t look as cool as the other ones I did, but I tell him that it´s what all beginners have to learn, so he eventually shuts up.  
Even though he is strong enough to strech out one leg, while squatting with the other, he just can´t manage to keep his balance and always falls either on his back or to the side.  
It looks ridiculous and I have to constantly hold back my laugh.  
When he´s had enough of that, he wants to learn at least how to do the flier position.  
„I don´t want to be the reason for you breaking your ankle“, I warn him, but he doesn´t listen to me and keeps on asking.  
He isn´t doing too bad, until he suddenly starts to stagger, so I automatically take his hand to steady him.  
Electricity seems to rush through me, his fingers burning my skin in the best way possible.  
I feel a blush starting to form on my face and I´m about to let go of his hand, when he tightens his grip.  
„Please don´t let go“, he says. „I think I´d lose my balance.“  
His words hit me right where it hurts, making my skin tingle and my heart pound twice as fast and my mind go blank with bliss.  
I don´t let go of his hand until we´re both freezing and he´s almost knocked me from my feet.  
As soon as I can´t feel his skin on mine anymore, I miss his touch.  
„Well, I wasn´t too bad, don´t you think?“, he asks on the way out of the ice rink.  
I roll my eyes, but I´m too happy right now to hide my smile.  
„You´re not hopeless. Even though you´ve got a terrible sense of balance.“  
He shrugs.  
„I´ve got you for that.“  
He´s flirting. (This is definitely flirting)  
I think I´m about to die from bliss.  
There is this perfect boy and he is flirting with me.  
And now I can´t even think of a good comeback.  
Our steps have slowed, we´re now standing in front of the building.  
„Well... I had fun“, I offer.  
He´s looking at me with his gorgeous blue eyes filled with question.  
„Do you... do you have to go home?“, he asks, looking down like he would be shy.  
My stomach flutters and I decide to take a risk.  
„No, I don´t. Are you hungry?“  
He´s lifting his gaze, grinning widely.  
„Of course I am.“

We end up at a small japanese restaurant, because I don´t think that Snow would like to eat with me where I usually get my dinner.  
(Not that I wouldn´t like japanese food, it´s just that I´d normally pay three times as much for it)  
But I´ve never cared less about food or location.  
All I can think about is the amazing boy in front of me, who is currently stuffing his face with curry.  
(Is it normal to find messy eating sexy? I don´t think so)  
I´ve barely touched my food, because Snow keeps drawing my attention to him.  
„Why aren´t you eating?“, he says between two bites, looking at me concerned.  
Because I was busy admiring the mole just above your right eyebrow, would be the truth.  
„I´m not that hungry“, I say instead. It´s not even a lie – my stomach seems to drop every five seconds when Snow does something adorable.  
Obviously is “not hungry“ a state of being he can´t quite comprehend.  
„You sure?“  
„Yes, Snow.“  
„Can we get dessert anyways?“  
I smile at his infuriatingly cute expression and roll my eyes.  
„I already assumed you´d not be satisfied after just one course.“  
„Baz.“  
I want him to say my name again and again. (I also imagine some... specific situations in which he would say my name like this)  
Snow wants to order ice cream for dessert, so that´s what I do as soon as the waitress returns to our table.  
She smiles at me and flips her shiny hair over her shoulder.  
As soon as she´s gone, Snow says: „She was flirting with you.“  
Since he is usually probably the most oblivious person I´ve ever met, I´m surprised that he noticed.  
„Perhaps she did“, I say vaguely.  
He stares hard at me, obviously trying to figure something out.  
„So... does that happen often?“  
„That waitresses flirt with me?“  
He taps with his fingers on the table.  
„Not only waitresses. Girls in general.“  
I arch my eyebrow. It´s evident how uncomfortable he is and I can´t help but find the situation quite amusing.  
„Well, yes, I guess so. What about you?“  
He´s blushing.  
„Um... I´m... I don´t go out that often, so...“  
„Afterall, you´ve been with Agatha Wellbelove, so you seem to be doing something right.“  
„Honestly, I have no idea how that happened.“  
He seems so genuinely clueless and so convinced that Wellbelove would be way out off his league that my annoyance about the image of them together is replaced by the urge to prove him how fucking attractive he is to me.  
„So there is no other girl?“  
He is blushing, lowering his gaze.  
„No, no other girl. And you? You said a lot of girls flirt with you, so do you have a girlfriend or do you more... you know.“  
I can feel unease radiating from him in waves and for a moment I wonder if it would be smarter not to clarify things.  
But in the end, I say: „I´m not into girls, Snow.“  
His gaze shoots up, his eyes locking with mine.  
„You´re... you´re gay?“  
It´s hard not to sneer at him.  
„You´ve figured it out, Sherlock.“  
He shifts in his seat and runs his fingers through his hair.  
„So... you have a boyfriend?“  
I can feel the corners of my mouth turn upwards.  
„No.“  
„Oh, okay. Um... cool.“  
His face is pink again and he is looking away.  
My my my. Who would have thought that he isn´t that straight afterall?  


### Simon

I wish I wouldn´t have asked Baz about girls.  
Because if I wouldn´t have done that, I probably wouldn´t wonder if he is attracted to me.  
I know, I know. I´m crazy.  
But... I can´t get it off my mind. Am I Baz´ type? Most likely not. He´s probably into guys who are taller and darker than me. Not that clumsy.  
Still.  
I can´t look him in the eyes anymore.  
What did he do to me?  
I´m not... I´m not gay, right? (Right?) It´s not... like that. (Is it?)  
He´s talking about something while I´m eating my ice cream but I don´t understand a word of what he´s saying.  
Baz is attractive. It´s not gay to notice that, it´s just a fact. His lips are beautiful. Not gay. A fact.  
Maybe... I should just check? Check if I´m... attracted to him?  
As soon as the thought has formed in my mind, my hands are starting to sweat and I can feel my heart speed up.  
I´m so distracted that I don´t even complain when he pays my dinner.  
We leave the restaurant and I can´t stop thinking about his perfect lips.  
„Snow.“  
„Sorry, what?“  
We´re standing a few metres away from the restaurant and I can´t remember for the life of mine how we´d got there.  
„I said, I didn´t tell you I´m gay to make you uncomfortable.“  
Now I look at him and I see that he is hurt, even though he does a good job at hiding it.  
„You don´t have to be afraid I would jump you just because...“  
His lips. Are right there.  
I want to kiss him.  
So I do.  


### Baz

I don´t know what´s happening. One second, I´m talking about how Snow doesn´t have to worry that I´d hit on him, the next he is right in front of me, standing on his tip toes.  
Pressing his lips onto mine.  
Every coherent thought is erased from my mind immediatly.  
My lips part and I put one hand on his back, pulling him into me.  
I reach up with my other hand, tangling my fingers in his curls.  
Time stops.  


### Simon

I think I´ve never been kissed properly ever in my life before this. Or maybe I´ve never kissed anyone properly before today.  
I run my finger through Baz´ silky hair and feel myself melt into him.  
His arms are strong and he´s got his slender fingers in my hair, tugging lightly at it and an embarrassing moan escapes my lips.  
When we part, I´m out of breathe and I can´t stop staring at his beautiful face.  
„What was that, Snow?“ I´m overly glad that I´m not the only one panting.  
He sounds cautious and just a tiny bit... hopeful?  
„I think it is called a kiss“, I say, feeling myself starting to grin like a complete moron. But I don´t care right now. All I care about is him. 

When I come home this night, I don´t think about the cold, empty flat for the first time since I´ve moved in.  
Baz is all I think about.  
I never knew loving could hurt this good.  
(Loving? Am I in love? Is this love?)  
I´m so caught up in my thoughts that I almost brush my teeth with soap.  
I´ve never considered myself an overly sexual person.  
Actually, I always got the impression that I cared way less about sex than my other peers, or at least the other guys.  
It was just never... that important, I guess.  
I mean, I´m not asexual or something. I do think about sex and stuff like that sometimes.  
I also do have... um... physical needs that I have to... take care of.  
But, all in all, I was never that interested in getting intimate with another person.  
So I didn´t.  
Even Agatha and I never really crossed that line.  
And now I know why – because kissing her was never, never, even nearly as good as this.  
It seems impossible to go to sleep.  
My mind just goes Baz Baz Baz Baz Baz.  
Should I be worried about the fact that he´s a guy?  
Maybe. It´s new. I can´t recall to ever having been attracted to a guy.  
But then again, I probably haven´t really been attracted to anyone before him.  
So I´m lying in bed, restless and giddy and still somehow feeling blushed.  
In my head, there are tonight´s highlights on repeat.  
Baz spinning over the ice, looking like a fucking super model.  
Baz catching me in his arms.  
Baz´ lips on mine.  
I press my head into the pillow, because my cheeks are burning.  
Will he call me tomorrow? I gave him my number tonight. (I really don´t know why he´s asked me just yet, but I´m glad he did at all)  
Thinking about his sexy, slightly rough voice doesn´t make falling asleep any easier.  


### Baz

It´s seven am on a Sunday and I´m wide awake.  
When I open my eyes, I don´t know for a split second why I´m so terrifyingly happy, but then I remember and instantly, I feel my face break into a huge smile.  
Just while that happens, panic jolts through me.  
Did I just dream everything? It sounds a lot like a dream. Not like anything that would happen to me in real life.  
But then I see the note on my night desk, the note with Simon Snow´s number on it and bliss is washing over me.  
It´s so intense that it worries me.  
I´ve never felt like that before.  
Honestly, I didn´t know I was capable of having feelings like this for another person.  
My euphoric state lasts for about half an hour, until I start worrying.  
We kissed yesterday and it was awesome. (Awesome is an understatement. Unbelievable. Wonderful. Terrific. There aren´t enough words in this language to describe my feelings)  
But where does it leave us now? What are we? And, most importantly, what is Snow thinking about that matter? He did quite seem to enjoy himself last night, but what if he changed his mind? He´s never kissed a guy before. What if he thinks it was a mistake?  
Or what if he thinks about it and comes to the conclusion that he liked Wellbelove´s kisses better?  
I´m not a girl and I´m not blonde.  
If that´s his type, I´m screwed.  
Pull yourself together, Pitch, I sternly tell myself.  
There´s no reason to go crazy about it.  
I should just call him.  
When it´s eleven am, I can´t stand to wait for one more second, so I pick up my phone and type in his number...  
...just to discover that Snow didn´t give me the right number. At least that´s what the polite lady on the phone says, telling me this number isn´t assigned to anyone.  
Great.  
That´s enough to bring back all my anxiety with full force.  
Did Snow do it on purpose?  
Lots of people do. (I did it more times than I can count)  
But would that make sense?  
I´ll still see him at the coffee shop and wouldn´t it be awkward and stupid to give me the wrong number then?  
But perhaps this is his way of telling me to fuck off?  
That isn´t logical, it can´t be.  
He kissed me last night, not the other way around!  
Still, I can´t deny that I´m a complete mess, now that I can´t be sure anymore that he wants to see me again.  
Tomorrow is Monday, so I´ll be able to meet him at the coffee shop. He´ll smile at me and I´ll know everything would be fine between us. I´ll know that there might be some more kisses in the future.  
There´s no need to freak out right now, since everything will be solved on Monday.  
Perhaps it is even a smart idea to keep my distance for one day, just to readjust a little.  
I´ll use today to regain my ease, so I´ll be calm enough to face him tomorrow and then everything is going to be okay.  
Just when I managed to relax a tiny bit, my phone rings.  
It´s my father.  


### Simon

Baz didn´t call.  
I spend the whole Sunday pacing through my flat, not able to concentrate on anything.  
At first, I was filled with hopeful excitement. When noon was over, it slowly turned into anxiety and in the evening, it´s become disappointment.  
It shouldn´t be a big deal – I´ll see him tomorrow anyways, so he doesn´t necessarily has to call me today.  
Well, at least that´s what I´m trying to convince myself of. (Because we kissed last night! That´s worth a call, right?)  
To make everything worse, I get a message from Agatha, who´s asking me if I would like to get lunch with her – and maybe bring Basil with me.  
It´s making me sick that she is so interested in him.  
Even though I´m quite sure now that he is gay, I really don´t want Agatha to be into him.  
Because Agatha always gets what she wants.  
I´m trying hard not to picture the two of them together, but I fail gloriously.  
The thing is – they would fit. Both gorgeous and elegant, rich and arrogant.  
He is smarter than her though. And definitely way sassier than Agatha could ever be.  
On Monday, the excitement hits me again, forcefully.  
I´m ready to forgive him that he didn´t ring me up and I´m simply looking forward to see him.  
Is it going to be awkward? Maybe a little.  
(Would we kiss again? I hope so)  
I´m a horribly bad barista today, I spill like every second drink and misunderstand multiple orders.  
By half past five pm, I start to fidget and check the time every five minutes.  
Normally, he would be here by quarter to six.  
He isn´t today.  
Maybe he is running late, because he forgot his wallet at home.  
At six, I´m so nervous that I feel like I´m about to throw up.  
He´ll be here every second.  
I´m combing my hair with my fingers and try to rub off a coffee stain from my jeans.  
It´s ten minutes after six.  
He is not coming.  
The realisation hits me slowly, but surely.  
Baz is never late, he is the most punctual person I know.  
But even though, deep down, I know that, I still can´t bring myself to leave the shop.  
So I get a table and my free coffee (Pumpkin Mocha Breve) and take out a paper I have to write for my physics class.  
I don´t even type one sentence.  
I´m only sitting there, staring at the door while drinking my coffee.  
It tastes bitter, like tears in my mouth.  


### Baz

Someone should do research about how it is possible for time to stop, when you´re waiting for someone to die.  
I´m sitting in an uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the big hospital, which smells like antiseptics and sorrow.  
If someone asked me, for how long I´ve been sitting here, I really wouldn´t be able to tell them.  
It was Sunday morning, when my father called me to tell me that Mordelia didn´t respond well to the bone merrow transplant. That her liver failed her.  
That she maybe wouldn´t make it through the day.  
So now I´m here and I wasn´t allowed to see her yet.  
The doctors were talking about a graft versus host disease, which I have never heard of, but nobody seems to have time or motivation to explain anything to me.  
A nurse told me that they would treat her with immunosuppression, so I guess somehow her immunesystem didn´t cope well with the foreign cells, but what do I know?  
All I know is that I´m stuck here, damned to do nothing while my sister is fighting for her life in the next room.  
Everytime a doctor walks past, I have to surppress the urge to jump at his throat, demanding answers. Demanding that this fucking team of specialists heals Mordelia.  
Obviously, I don´t do that.  
The rational part of my brain knows that the doctors do everything in their power to help my sister.  
My father chose England´s most renowned hospital. If these people can´t save her, nobody can.  
I just can´t handle the feeling of helplessness. I hate feeling useless more than anything else.  
And I want to see her so desperately. I know I could make her feel better. I always can.  
But the doctors won´t let me.  
I should have patience.  
So I just sit there, hour after hour, screaming internally and worrying that I might actually lose my sanity.  
From time to time, my father asks if I am hungry, but I always decline.  
Even the thought of food makes me want to vomit.  
It´s already dark outside when they finally allow me to visit her.  
„Five minutes“, the dark haired doctor says. My legs almost give in when I suddenly stand up, since I haven´t used them all day.  
Before I can enter the room, I have to disinfect my hands.  
It takes me a few seconds, until I see Mordelia in between all these beeping machines.  
She looks so painfully small in this huge, white bed.  
Her eyes are closed and she´s breathing hard.  
It´s still weird to see her without the long dark hair.  
Her cheeks are puffy and her shoulders bony, collar bone protuding.  
My eyes burn and a stinging pain in my chest makes it hard to breathe.  
„She´s only asleep“, the doctor says, giving me a look, that´s probably supposed to be comforting.  
„I know that, I´m not stupid“, I hiss and she seems to be taken back by my venomous tone.  
She stays silent, while I hold my sister´s hand, until she tells me the time is up.

My father and me spend the night at the hospital.  
Safe to say that this is the worst night of my life.  
Everytime I see a doctor glance at me, my heart is at my throat and I´m praying that they won´t tell me Mordelia is dead.  
At about midnight, I start drinking disgusting coffee. It makes me think of Snow, but that is way too much for my heart to handle right now, so I push him out of my mind.  
My father falls asleep on a chair around three am.  
Approximately and hour later, when I´ve aready drank four cups of coffee, so that my tired brain is going crazy on coffeine, my skin is tingling and my head aching, the dark haired doctor heads towards us again.  
She looks almost as tired as I feel, but a weak smile appears on her face when she looks at me.  
„She´ll make it“, she simply says.  
And just like that, I break down on the floor, crying my eyes out.

I stay with Del for the next two days. My father leaves us on Monday, because he has some important business to do, but he calls approximately every two hours.  
Of course, Mordelia is completely exhausted and she spends almost the whole day sleeping.  
I mostly just sit by her side and watch her, feeling an overwhelming gratitude that I haven´t lost her.  
Yet.  
She is obviously still terribly ill. The doctors have warned me that even though it doesn´t look too bad right now, it is still possible that the treatment won´t have the desired effect. And even if it does, the chance remains that the cancer will come back in a couple of months.  
I know all of that and it makes me sick with dread, but for now, I am more relieved.  
She could have already been dead, so I shouldn´t complain.  
While I´m watching her sleep, the hours are passing by, the day seems to stretch to an eternity.  
I have absolutely nothing to do, that´s probably why Snow sneaks his way back into my mind. And this time, with no immediate fear for my sister, I can´t push him out of my head so easily.  
What will he think when I won´t come today?  
There are probably two possibilities: If he gave me a wrong number on purpose, he´s most likely glad that he got rid of me so effortlessly. But if he just made a mistake and actually wanted me to call him... then he is probably going to be really mad at me.  
I mean, I would hate me if it were the other way around.  
When it´s six pm, I´m in physical pain, because Snow might be waiting for me at the coffee shop.  
Maybe wondering why I haven´t called him.  
For sure disappointed and angry when it gets clear that I won´t show up.  
A part of me wants to run out of the hospital and get a taxi to drive all the way back to London.  
But then I look at Del again and I know, I´ll have to stay. I´ll stay until she is awake and okay and tells me that it´s fine if I go.  
I won´t leave her, I can´t.  
So I have to deal with self pity, because the boy of my dreams is probably currently in the process of forgetting me. (At least that´s what I would advise him to do – he is only going to have trouble with me)  


### Simon

„What is it, Simon?“, Penny asks me, as soon as I am sitting on her bed.  
It is Tuesday evening and Baz still hasn´t called or texted me and he obviously didn´t show up at the coffee shop, either.  
I was going completely crazy at my flat, so I decided that I have to tell Penny.  
She is probably going to be pissed anyway, because I haven´t told her about him sooner.  
I´m playing with her purple blanket, not knowing how to start.  
„Is it about this girl?“, she asks, a knowing look in her eyes.  
Almost, I think.  
I swallow, then say.  
„It´s about a boy, actually.“  
She doesn´t even blink.  
„Okay. Go on.“  
Even though I was pretty sure, Penny wouldn´t have a problem with it, I´m still relieved.  
„So. Um. I – I met him a couple weeks ago and we sorta – um – don´t know. Hung out at the coffee shop, I guess?“ It sounds ridiculous when I say it out loud.  
„Yeah, well, and then, last Friday, I asked him, if... he would want to go out with me.“  
„Like a date?“  
„Yes. No. I don´t really know what I meant when I asked him, but – yeah. It was a date. I think.“  
„Cool. How was it?“  
„We... we went to the ice rink. On Saturday. And then we got dinner. It was... pretty amazing.“  
I blush furiously, but at the same time, my heart aches at the memory.  
„Did you kiss?“  
It´s really hard to decide whether I love or hate Penny´s directness.  
„Um... yes. We did.“  
She seems impressed.  
„Wow, I wouldn´t have thought you had the guts to kiss someone on the first date. Congrats. Did he kiss you first?“  
My blush deepens.  
„No.“  
Now she grins widely.  
„Since when are you so confident, Simon?“  
I shrug.  
„I don´t think I am. I just... I really wanted to do it.“  
She nods appreciatively.  
„So you like him?“  
I hesitate for a second, but it´s too late anyways.  
„Yes. I do.“  
„Great. Where is the problem?“  
„He... he didn´t call me since then. And he didn´t come to the shop.“  
Somehow, it is humiliating to admit it, even to her.  
She thinks for a moment, then says: „Well, it´s only been three days. Maybe an emergency happened.“  
„He could´ve called.“  
She rolls her eyes.  
„Simon, I´d actually be very surprised if you´d managed to give him your number correctly. You didn´t even made it to give it to me properly and I´m assuming you were a lot more nervous when you gave it to him.“  
„Oh“, she continues.  
„You haven´t told me his name yet.“  
„Baz.“ Simply saying his name is wonderful and horrible at the same time.  
Penny looks shocked.  
„Baz? Baz Pitch?“  
„Yeah. You know him?“  
„Of course I know him! Simon, his dad is like the richest man in London, you do realise that?“  
Now it´s my turn to be shocked.  
I mean, it´s obvious that Baz is rich, but then again, almost all kids at the university are.  
However, I didn´t know that he´s so rich that even Penny seems to be intimidated by him.  
„No offence, but how did you two end up together? He is... the opposite of you.“  
That hurts, even though I know she is right. Because I know she is right.  
„That doesn´t help, Pen“, I say weakly.  
„I already know that he is prettier and smarter and wealthier than I am, okay? You doesn´t have to rub it in my face.“  
Her expression softens.  
„I´m sorry. I didn´t mean it like that. You´re a great person, Simon, Baz would be so lucky to have you. I was simply surprised. He does seem a little... arrogant. Like someone, who´d only go out with the richest of the rich, you know?“  
„Yeah. So, you´re telling me, I should forget him?“  
She sighs.  
„Not necessarily. I´m just saying you should be careful.“  
„And what does that mean? He already knows I´m poor.“  
She seems uncomfortable, shifting around, avoiding to look me in the eyes.  
„It´s not only that. You know, I don´t know him personally. I just heard... rumors. That he´s... you know. Been around.“  
„Been around? Like what?“  
„Oh, Simon!“  
Her face is full of annoyance and pity.  
„Do I have to spell it out for you? It means that he is known for having a different guy every weekend. Do you understand it now?“  
There´s a bitter taste in my mouth.  
„So you´re saying he just wants to fuck me or what?“  
„I – yes. Basically.“  
I stand up.  
„Great. Thanks for the conversation. I have... stuff to do. See you tomorrow, then.“  
She follows me as I head towards the door of her flat.  
„Simon, don´t be like this! Maybe I´m wrong, maybe he is a great guy, I don´t know! I´m only trying to protect you.“  
„I know. And I appreciate that. But... please. Just.“  
Even though it´s obvious that she would much rather force me to stay here and talk it through with her, she knows me well enough to recognize that I need some alone time.  
So she lets me go.  


### Baz

It is legitimate to say that I storm through the door of the coffee shop.  
(I´m praying he´ll be there today)  
I´ve already been at the shop yesterday, but that was a Wednesday, so it shouldn´t have been a surprise that Snow wasn´t there. He doesn´t work on Wednesdays, I´m aware of that, but I still hoped he might be there anyway, because I wanted to talk to him so desperately.  
For that reason, I rushed out of class today, practically running down the streets to the shop.  
It´s five-fourty pm.  
Please, please, please.  
Maybe God does exist afterall, because Snow is here, standing right behind the counter.  
Our eyes meet and it feels like I´m hit by lighting.  
Oh my, his eyes.  
So blue.  
So Snow.  
I can feel a smile starting to form on my face, just as Snow turns his gaze away.  
Fuck.  
He didn´t smile.  
He didn´t wave.  
He didn´t look like he wanted to see me.  
My insides go cold and my heart feels like someone just pinched it with a needle.  
I brace myself and walk towards the counter.  
In the end, I´ve already assumed that he would be mad at me.  
So I just have to talk to him. Explain everything.  
Now I´m standing right in front of him, so close that I can count his pale freckles.  
He still refuses to look at me.  
„Snow“, I say, not able to ban a slight edge from my voice.  
„Hey“, he says, voice colder than I´ve ever heard it.  
At least, he looks up now, but not looking right into my eyes, rather at my shoulder.  
„I think you gave me the wrong number.“  
As soon as it is out, I want to set myself on fire and burn to the ground right here and now.  
It has sounded reproachful!  
What the fuck is wrong with me?  
I should tell him I´m sorry and beg him to give me a second chance.  
He swallows and I can see his adam´s apple moving on his long throat.  
(I want to kiss him there)  
„Well, my bad“, he says, now busy with cleaning some cups, which already look pretty clean to me.  
My stomach turns.  
It is worse than I had expected.  
„I´m sorry I wasn´t here on Monday“, I try and he looks up for a brief moment, before turning his gaze to the cups again.  
I don´t think he has ever heard me apologise before. I don´t do that very often.  
„Yeah.“ Now his voice is shaking a little, which I take as a good sign. At least I somehow still matter to him.  
„Can we talk?“, I ask him.  
„Aren´t we talking right now?“  
I shoot him a deadly glance.  
„Talk properly, without a damn counter between us!“  
For a second he hesitates and I start to panic. What if he´ll just say no?  
„Fine.“  
It´s never been this uncomfortable and awkward to sit on a table with Snow.  
He is looking out of the window, at the few other customers, at everything exept for me.  
„Why are you so mad at me?“  
I flinch at the slightly desperate tone.  
But I need him to talk to me.  
(Anything hurts less than the quiet between us)  
„I´m not mad“, he mumbles.  
I sneer.  
„Sure, Snow. And I´m the queen of England.“  
„Fine!“  
Now he is looking at me and I´m taken aback by the raw fury and hurt in his eyes.  
The desire to touch him is almost too strong to resist.  
„You´re asking why I´m mad? Well. We´ve been on a date. We´ve kissed. And then. You just. Disappear! You don´t call, you don´t show up – what am I supposed to think?“  
I take a deep breathe.  
I probably sound like a complete asshole, but seeing his anger and hurt calms me.  
It means that he cares about me.  
„I am sorry, Snow. Really. I tried to call you on Sunday, but, as I said, you must have given me a wrong number. And then – there was an emergency, so I was preoccupied for the last three days.“  
Concern flickers in his eyes.  
„Your sister?“  
I swallow.  
„Yes.“  


### Simon

I hate me for being so inconsistent, but I can´t help it. How am I supposed to stay mad at him, when he is apparently so worked up because of his sister?  
„Is she okay?“, I ask.  
„Now she is“, he says, but his tone hints that she hasn´t been quite recently.  
My head is spinning.  
Was I wrong to be so mad at him?  
He couldn´t call me with a wrong number.  
And I certainly can´t blame him to put the health of his sister before me.  
But... Penny´s words ring in my ears.  
He´s got a different guy every weekend. Like someone who´d only go out with the richest of the rich. What if she´s right?  
It is very likely that she is, because why would Baz want to date me? I´m just... Simon. No one special. Nowhere near as remarkable as him.  
And even though he does seem like he is sorry for abandoning me like that, it doesn´t seem like he has missed me that much.  
His voice is as crisp and neutral as always.  
(Except for when I kissed him. His voice wasn´t neutral then)  
The thought of the kiss almost makes me cry.  
Literally. I feel my eyes burn with tears.  
„Are you okay?“ His voice is even, but I believe to see some concern in his grey eyes.  
I don´t answer.  
„Look, I apologise. I should have called you. I would have.“  
„Doesn´t matter“, I say. (A lie, of course) (It does matter a lot)  
„Perhaps I could make it up to you by taking you out on Friday?“  
My eyes shoot up, meeting his.  
The smirk is back on his lips.  
He seems so confident.  
I´m doomed.  
There´s nothing I can do about it.  
I´m falling.  
„Okay.“

„Go slow! No, no, go fast!“  
Baz is spinning me around on the ice at such a speed that I´ll probably crash and break my neck.  
I couldn´t care less, though.  
Baz is holding my hands, laughing at me, a rare sparkle in his eyes.  
When he looks at me like that, I forget Penny´s dunning words.  
I´m a fool to ask him to slow down. I don´t want him to. Ever.  
Also, it´s probably impossible with him to take anything slow. It´s always falling with him. Falling fast.  
„Snow on the ice“, he teases me, pulling me closer to him and I feel like I´m going to die.  
„Beautiful, isn´t it?“  
My breath catches in my throat.  
Nobody has ever called me beautiful. (Well, exept for my mum, when I was a little kid, but that doesn´t count)  
His lips are only inches apart from mine.  
There´s nothing I want to do more than to close the small distance between us, but just when I´m about to, I remember Penny´s words once again.  
Different guy every weekend.  
I can´t be one of these guys.  
I don´t think I could bear to have him just to instantly loose him again.  
So I pull away from him, bringing some distance between us, just to be able to breathe again.  
His eyebrows furrow lightly, but he doesn´t say anything.  
„Come on“, I say, whirl around and skate away from him.  
A moment later, I can hear him behind me.  
(He could catch up easily, but I guess he wants to let me have the fun of being chased by him)

We stay on the ice until my fingers feel frozen and my teeth are clattering.  
„Are you hungry?“, Baz asks me as soon as we´ve changed our shoes.  
I avoid his gaze and shake my head.  
„Oh, right. Would you... maybe like to come to my place for a while? We could watch a movie, maybe, whatever you´d fancy.“  
Come to his place?  
„Watch a movie?“  
I look at him and I´m sure he notices the bitterness in my tone.  
„Well... we don´t have to. I´m sorry, if I was... being intrusive.“  
His voice is cool again, the softness is gone and I hate myself for making him close up like this.  
But I have to. I´m not going to give in to this pull.  
I´m not going to look into his gorgeous eyes.  
„Yeah, so, let´s just go home.“  
„Alright.“  
His tone is sharp like a knive and I feel like absolute shit, while I´m following him outside, staring at his back and wondering how we could have gone from swirling around on the ice to this tense silence.  
It´s my fault, but I just don´t know what to do.  
„Baz“, I say, almost running, because he is walking so fast.  
(His legs are longer than mine, it´s infuriating)  
„What?“ He won´t look at me.  
„Why are you mad?“  
I pull on his sleeve to make him look at me.  
Finally, he stops and shoots me a look that makes my insides squirm.  
„I´m not necessarily mad, Snow. I just don´t understand why you agreed to go out with me if you obviously don´t want to be around me.“  
„That´s not true! I... I like... being with you.“  
He´s shaking his head in frustration.  
„I don´t get it.“  
Now his gaze is different, like he would be trying to figure me out.  
I look away.  
„Are you still angry, because I haven´t called? I apologised for that and I´ll do it again if you want me to.“  
„That´s not it“, I mumble, feeling my cheeks burn again.  
„Then what is it?“  
His tone isn´t as sniding anymore, it makes it harder to keep from leaning into him.  
I don´t know what to say, so I stay silent.  
„Look.“  
I can hear the hurt in his voice.  
„If you don´t... if you´re not into boys, just tell me, okay? I´d understand. But don´t... lead me on. That´s not fair.“  
Now I do look up, surprised and blushing again.  
„I´m not... leading you on“, I choke out.  
He sneers.  
„So, is that you´re way of telling me that you´re straight?“  
„No. Yes.“  
„What, Snow? Yes or No?“  
„I don´t know, okay? I´ve never really thought about it!“  
Horrified, I realise that I´m about to cry.  
Baz seems to notice that, too.  
His voice is soft again when he says: „Okay. That´s okay. I don´t really care, whether you´re gay or bi or whatever. My question is...“  
He swallows.  
He is nervous.  
I´ve never seen him nervous like this before.  
It´s unbelievably cute and I can feel myself melting already.  
„Yeah? What is your question?“  
„Do you think, maybe... you´d want to see me more often? And not only as... friends. Because I  
don´t want to be friends.“  
Now his eyes are locking with mine and his gaze is so intense that my mouth goes dry.  
„I don´t want to be friends, either“, I manage to croak out.  
His face lights up with a smile.  
„Good. Then... could you explain to me now, why you don´t want to get dinner with me?“  
I grin cheekily.  
„Actually, I´d love to get dinner with you. I just...“  
I bite my lip nervously.  
„Just?“  
„I´m not one of your guys“, I blurt out and turn red instantly, but don´t look away.  
His expression is completely confused.  
„What do you mean?“  
„I mean... I´m not going to have sex with you.“  
He blinks and I think there might be the faintest blush on his cheekbones.  
„Well... alright. That means... Sorry, I´m confused. You said you don´t want to be just friends, but you´re not attracted to me? Why did you kiss me, then?“  
I run my hands through my hair, looking down.  
„No, I mean... I am... You are...“  
There seems to be a knod in my tongue.  
„Use your words, Snow.“  
I take a deep breath and try again.  
„What I wanted to say, is... I like you. You´re attractive. Very. You know that. But. I don´t... want to sleep with you right now? Like... only that. I want more than that.“  
As soon as the words are out, I´m terrified in some way.  
I basically confessed that I´m in love with him.  
I don´t think I´ve ever felt that exposed.  


### Baz

Relief is washing over me, even though I´m still confused.  
Snow likes me. He wants to be more than friends. And I´m not only some experiment to him.  
That´s everything I´ve ever dreamed of.  
„Well, I like you, too. But... Do I come off so rude to you? Why would you assume I´d only try to get in your pants?“  
He squirms and mumbles something about my reputation.  
I have to admit, that hits me.  
Obviously, I´m not a saint and, yes, I have been quite... reckless when it comes to sex, but Snow makes it sound like I would be some kind of fuckboy.  
It´s not that bad. I can still count the number of people I´ve been with and I remember all of their names.  
„Snow, you´d better not believe everything people tell you“, I say, equally amused, annoyed and embarrassed.  
„So you haven´t...?“  
„I´m not a virgin, if that´s what you´re asking.“  
He is blushing again and it makes me want to kiss every single one of his freckles and moles.  
„No, I mean...“  
I roll my eyes.  
„Do you want their names, Snow?“  
He looks down.  
„No.“  
„I thought so.“  
He won´t look at me again and I´m afraid I´ve been too harsh.  
„Snow.“  
I reach for his hand and lace our fingers together.  
He´s warm and soft and I never want to let go of his hand ever again.  
„It doesn´t matter. They don´t matter. You matter.“  
He looks up at me, his eyes so blue and innocent and uncertain that it makes me ache.  
„Sure?“  
„Yes. You´re not one of them. You´re... Snow. There can only be one.“  
He smiles and tilts his head.  
„Good. Because I plan to stick around for a while.“ 

After that, it´s easy.  
It´s easy to eat dinner with him at a shabby diner.  
It´s easy to laugh at his horrible manners.  
It´s easy to flirt with him.  
Snow is the most adorable, most prudish idiot I have ever met.  
He blushes at all of my teases and dirty smirks, but always smiles like crazy, which makes me embarassingly happy.  
Since he´s already stated that he won´t come home with me tonight, I´m doing my best to keep him at the table for as long as possible.  
Which includes getting two desserts for him, but I don´t mind it at all.  
(I´d buy him five if that would make him stay with me for longer)  
When we finally get up to leave, I keep finding excuses to touch him on our way home.  
I lay my hand on his back to guide him in the right direction.  
I touch his arm to get his attention.  
I walk almost shoulder on shoulder with him, so that our fingers brush from time to time.  
Suddenly, Snow takes my hand in his and I´m so caught off guard that I start to smile foolishly.  
When we reach his flat, he abruptly stops and turns to me.  
„You didn´t have to take me home, Baz.“  
„Relax, Snow. I´m not going to follow you through the door and take advantage of you.“  
I love how he smiles sheepishly, but doesn´t let go of my hand.  
„That´s not what I meant. I just... you don´t have to walk all the way... with me. I can take care of myself. You don´t... don´t have to protect me.“  
He closes his eyes for a short moment and I´m fairly certain he is angry with himself for stumbleing over his words.  
It would be fun to tease him, but I sense his unease and I reckon that his inability to get his words out the right way is a topic he´s sensitive about.  
So I just say: „I know. But I didn´t want to say good-bye just yet.“  
His eyes light up and I want nothing more than to lean down and kiss him, which is why I can´t help to smile at him again.  
We´re sickeningly sweet, like honey, and I hate it so much; hate that Snow turns me into this sappy moron. (But at the same time, I really, really love it)  
„Well... I´ll see you on Monday, then?“  
Snow bites his lip and I´m almost loosing it.  
(Someone has to tell this boy that he can´t just walk around, obliviously biting his lip and being so fucking sexy and expect people not to fantasize about him) (Of course I won´t tell him that) (He´d think I´m a pervert – apparently, he already does)  
„Um... yeah.“  
Awkward silence.  
Just as I am about to hug him and then leave, he gives my hand a light pull, looking up at me and asking: „Maybe... we could also meet on Sunday? Like... in the coffee shop?“  
My stupid heart starts racing again, which is dumb, since this is the second time he asks me out and I should not be as excited about it anymore. But I am.  
Actually, I´m afraid he´ll feel my fast heartbeat through the pulse in my fingers or my wrist.  
„I think so, but I´ll have to study. At least for a while.“  
I´m trying to come off as nonchalant, but I´m not fully convinced it´s working.  
„Cool.“  
Snow smiles at me shyly, then he pulls his hand away and gives me some kind of awkward wave.  
„See you on Sunday!“  
„Goodnight, Snow.“  


### Simon

„You waved at him?“  
„Why am I always so awkward?“  
My voice comes out muffled, because I´ve burried my head in Penny´s pillow.  
„Well, it´s normal to be a little awkward when you´re nervous, but this is extreme, Simon. Even for you.“  
I raise my head up to stare at her in desperation.  
„You´re not helping, Penny.“  
She laughs.  
„I´m sorry. And I´m sorry for talking about Baz like I did. Maybe he isn´t that bad afterall. But, apart from your stupidity, it sounds really good. Right?“  
I feel the stupid grin appear on my face once again and try to hide it.  
„Shine on, Diamond“, Penny says, smiling at me. „I like to see you happy.“  
I roll my eyes.  
„You´re getting weird. This sounds more like something Agatha would say to her girlfriends.“  
Penny rolls her eyes, too, imitating me.  
„Might give you something to think about, if you´re behaving like Agatha´s girlfriends.“  
I grin.  
„Touché.“

Penny´s right: I´m happy.  
Happier than I have been in a long time.  
It´s nice, when everything seems to be so easy, everything seems possible.  
I´m not even worried my father might visit again soon, because I know, I can live through anything, as long as I know Baz will be there for me.  
Okay, I´ll take that back. It sounds way too cheesy and it´s also probably not true.  
What I´m trying to say is just... I like him. I like me when I´m with him. It doesn´t make sense, because we´re so different, but, somehow, we match.  
With all these new and exciting thoughts clouding my head, it´s understandibly hard to focus on physics, but it is definitely necessary.  
Classes are getting serious right now, or rather, to quote my prof: „Getting the message across to you appears to be harder than I thought, but for all of you, who´d like to resist the statistics and actually complete their studies, I´d recommend to sit down and study for the exam!“  
I don´t know what I would do if I failed my classes, so I reluctantly agreed to spend the Saturday with Penny to study.  
So far so good, but Agatha wanted to join us later in the day, which I´m not sure how to feel about.  
It is weird thinking about her, since I kissed Baz.  
She reminds me of what I used to have and what I´m supposed to want – and that I have to sort out my feelings for boys and girls and all that stuff. Understand, what it means and what I want.  
Someday, I will.  
Not today, though.  


### Baz

I don´t know what Snow has done to me.  
My mind keeps producing slideshows of him in my head. His eyes, his curls, his smile.  
The way he is looking up at me.  
His lips on mine.  
His hands in my hair.  
The mole on his neck, just above his collar, which I´m dying to kiss.  
And then, there is more.  
There are images of him and me that are making me blush, my whole body is somehow electrified by the vision of his touch.  
I try everything to get these definitely not G-rated pictures of us out of my head.  
I go for a run.  
I take an ice cold shower.  
I bang my head against the wall.  
Nothing helps for long.  
SnowSnowSnowSnowSnowSnowSnow.  
What is wrong with me?  
Am I cursed now?  
And since when am I that... passionate about someone?  
It´s not like I´m needy.  
(I am)  
But I never used to be!  
I was always the cool one. Never, never that... out of control. That hungry.  
Honestly, it´s scaring the shit out of me.  
I desperately want to see Snow and at the same time, I don´t want to, because I´m afraid he would see how much I want him.  
What exactly I want to do to him.  
He would be repulsed, that´s for sure. As a matter of fact, he just stated that, even though he might like me, he isn´t interested to get physical with me, so I better keep my mouth shut to not push him away with my overboarding emotions and longing.  
It is not normal how he makes me feel.  
But I can´t help it.  
He is like strawberries and cigarettes. Peaches and dark chocolate. Fire and ice.  
Sweet as sugar, but so horribly dangerous with his dead sexy appearance.  
Really, what is happening here?  
I need to stop that.  
Instantly.  
There is no way I´m going to be that addicted to him.  
Maybe I should take a break.  
(But I have to see him)  
We´ll meet tomorrow afternoon. Thus I have more than twenty-four hours to collect myself.  
Think about something else.  
After a while, I manage to distract myself with playing music, even though I do notice that I choose pieces with a yearning note to them.  
The music brings the relief that I´d hoped for, but I´m being very rudely interrupted by my ringing phone.  
It´s an unknown number and I instantly worry it could have something to do with Mordelia, so I hastily take the call.  
„Basilton?“  
At first, I have no idea who is speaking, but then it hits me and I almost start to laugh.  
„Wellbelove.“  
„How are you?“  
I seriously consider to simply hang up on her, but I have to admit that I´m slightly curious what she might want.  
(To clarify, I want to know if this has something to with Snow)  
„Excellent. What about you?“  
„I´m great, thanks.“  
I wait.  
I can almost feel her nervousness through the phone.  
„Well... I was wondering, if you might, you know... be free tomorrow?“  
A smirk forms on my face and I try to surpress the amused tone of my voice, but I reckon that I fail.  
„I´m desperately sorry, but unfortunately, I have plans already.“  
„Oh.“  
Disappointment echoes in the silent line.  
„Um, okay. No problem. Maybe... another time?“  
One hundred percent not.  
„Perhaps. Is there anything else?“  
„No, no. It´s... all good.“  
„Fine, then.“  
„Yeah... see you around, Basil.“  
„Goodbye, Wellbelove.“  


### Simon

It probably shows how bad of a person I am and I´m not proud to admit it, but it´s actually relieving that Agatha isn´t at all in a good mood today.  
We´re at Penny´s, eating sandwhiches for lunch and watching some TV show I don´t really know.  
Agatha only takes like three bites before she abandones her sandwhich and continues to stare into nothingness, gloomily.  
I know that kind of behaviour; it means, she wants me to ask her about her problems.  
She would answer with a hour-long ramble about some people who were unfair or mean or something like that.  
Right now, I´m feeling way too positive to let her ruin my mood.  
Also, I don´t want to send the wrong signals. There is no way Agatha and I are getting back together (not when my head is full of Baz) and it is weird enough that we hang out at all.  
The thing is, Agatha and I never really were friends. We´ve been strangers and then a couple. There was not really an inbetween and I´m not sure at all how I feel about the “friends“ thing.  
So, I don´t ask her why she´s so silent, even though it makes me feel like a coward.  
I didn´t expect her to take the initative and start a conversation, but she does.  
„Simon, do you know if Basil has a girlfriend?“  
I´m almost choking on my coke.  
„Um... what?“  
Penny makes huge eyes and I can see how hard she is trying to hold back her laugh.  
Agatha makes a very annoyed face.  
„Does he or doesn´t he?“, she asks.  
I shrug weakly.  
„I... I don´t think so.“  
That doesn´t seem to satisfy her, because she shakes her head in disbelief.  
„I don´t get it. He just rejected me. I´m not trying to sound arrogant, but I´ve never been rejected by a guy. It´s not...“  
She trails off.  
Penny snorts.  
„Not arrogant at all, Agatha.“  
„Well, sorry, but it´s true. Men are all the same. They want you if you´re blonde and pretty. It´s like a law of nature.“  
I shift uncomfortably, because I´m aware that I´m included in these men.  
„No offense, Simon. But that´s just the way it is.“  
Rolling her eyes, Penny says: „Well, there are always exceptions. Baz seems to be one.“  
„Maybe he really is busy.“  
„Busy? When? What did you... have you spoken to him?“  
She looks at me, slightly irritated.  
„I asked him out, but he said no. He´s got plans.“ Her tone is contemptuous.  
„When... did you want to meet him?“  
„Tomorrow. But why is that important?“  
I have to hide my grin, even though I don´t like the fact that Agatha asked Baz out. I don´t like it at all.  
„It´s not“, I tell her.  
But it is.  
He isn´t meeting her.  
Because he has a date with me.  


### Baz

It´s the first time that I´m at the shop before him.  
That means, I get to see him open the door and enter the shop. Spotting me. Smiling.  
Heading towards me.  
A glorious sight.  
I wonder if I´ll ever stop being struck by his looks.  
His curls are a little more messy then usually and it makes me want to run my fingers through them even more.  
He´s wearing skinny jeans and the way they accentuate his beautiful legs is making my mouth go dry.  
But it really is his smile that makes me forget my name and want to get lost in him completely.  
I would if he´d let me.  
„Hey.“  
He gives me a lopsided grin, which I return with an arched eyebrow.  
„Snow.“  
After I said his name, he seems to relax a little bit.  
We chat about little things, nothing important and at the same time the most important things there are.  
He tells me about songs he likes and movies he wants to see and I absorb every single word, to remember it later on.  
We also study, or at least he studies.  
For me, it´s impossible to focus on terribly boring laws when that gorgeous boy is sitting right in front of me.  
Time goes by and it´s nice.  
Honestly.  
I love just spending time with him.  
But.  
It´s not enough.  
Never enough.  
Not with Snow.  
„Would you like to go for a walk?“, I ask suddenly.  
He looks up, surprised and a little distracted, obviously still lost in his studies.  
I want his attention on me.  
(I´m sick) (Who is jealous of homework?)  
„Sure“, he says and flashes me a smile that goes straight through my heart.  
We leave the shop and I lead him around a corner.  
„Baz, where are we going?“  
I stop and take a deep breath, before I turn fully to him.  
My heart is hammering against my rib cage and my brain is screaming at me to run away.  
But it has no chance against my body and my body aches to touch him.  
I feel like I´ll burst out in flames if I don´t kiss him right now.  
Snow looks at me, confused.  
Of course, we´re standing in a little alley and I stare at him like a maniac.  
„Snow“, I say. My voice is hoarse.  
The colour of his eyes seems to change into a slightly darker shade.  
„Yeah“, he breathes.  
His lips are slightly parted and I want... I want.  
„Can I kiss you?“, I ask. Even I hear how rough and needy my voice sounds.  
„Yes, please“, Snow whispers and these two words are enough to push me over the edge.  
My mouth crashes into his, messily, hungrily.  
But he is just as impatient as I am.  
I love the way his back arches under my hands.  
The way he tilts his chin and tuggs at my collar is driving me wild.  
When we finally part, his eyes are dark and clouded with lust, which leaves me in awe.  
„Baz“, he says and it´s all I need to hear to know that I´ll love this boy until the day I die.  
„Simon“, I answer, still a little breathless. I caress his cheeks with my fingers. His skin is so warm.  
He stiffens and stares at me in bewilderment.  
„You called me Simon.“

We don´t return to the coffee shop after that.  
Instead, we go to my place.  
As soon as we´re through the door, Snow practically jumps on me and wraps his arms around my neck.  
I more or less carry him to the couch, where we collapse together.  
My hands run down his sides and I feel him shiver under my touch, which gives me goosebumps.  
He´s on his knees, hovering over me, making me reach for him.  
Which I do, over and over again, until I finally pull him down, pull him into me, because I want to feel his body against mine.  
Snow´s hands are impatient and curious, he touches my face, then moves back to my chest, then runs them down my arms.  
I smile against his lips, because everything he does is so Snow.  
I tangle my fingers in his wonderful curls and bend my head to kiss the mole right above his collar, the very mole I wanted to kiss since we first met.  
He moans and his eyes flutter shut and I know I´ll have to stop now.  
So I reluctantly pull back, but continue to caress his face.  
„Snow“, I whisper.  
When he opens his eyes, they are so dark with want that I almost grab him again.  
But I don´t, because this is Snow and I won´t make a mistake with him.  
„Kiss me“, he says, now sounding unsure, for the first time since we came here.  
I give him a brief kiss on his lips, but as soon as he opens his mouth, I withdraw.  
„What is wrong?“, he asks and now he looks really nervous.  
I shake my head.  
„Nothing´s wrong. Not at all. Just... let´s take it slow, alright?“  
He blushes (who would have guessed) and starts to sit up, trying to bring a little space between our bodies, but I don´t let him. (I can´t let go of him just now, it feels to good to be near him)  
„Sorry. I just... I thought...“  
I wait, but he´s obviously not able to finish his sentence, so I say: „No, Snow. It´s all good. Don´t be mad at me, please. I simply think we should take our time.“  
His embarrassed expression and the fact that he is absolutely not able to talk with me about this convinces me that I made the right decision.  
„Okay“, he finally says, but he still won´t look at me.  
When he tries to get away from me this time, I let him.  
But only so that we sit next to each other, then I take his hand in mine.  
„Simon“, I say.  
A smile lights up his face and now he returns my gaze.  
„Baz.“  
„Will you stay a little longer?“

I´m hooked on Simon Snow.  
Honestly, I don´t understand how I deserve something so precious in my life, but I´m not going to complain.  
I´ll enjoy every second of it while it lasts.  
Yesterday, after I managed to save the awkward end of our make out session, we just watched a movie together.  
I can still feel his warm body curled into mine.  
It´s the most amazing feeling in the world.  
I never thought I would be someone who likes cuddling, but I actually think it was almost better than kissing Snow.  
Well, not better.  
But just as good.  
When I press my nose into the pillows on my couch, I can still smell Simon and it makes me completely giddy.  
I´m foolishly in love with Simon Snow and I can´t deny it.  
But I don´t think I want to anymore.  
It´s not even been twelve hours since Snow left, but I already miss him.  
Probably, because I know that I´ll have to wait for at least two days until I´ll see him again.  
I´ll spend the next days with my sister, me and my father will stay at a hotel near by the hospital.  
We both noticed that Del is lonely, so it was my idea to spend some more time with her.  
And I still think that was a good idea, but... it´s hard to be away from Simon.  
Sick, I know. I´m a grown up man, why do two days feel like an eternity? (The mistery of love, I guess) (Oh god, I love him) (So desperatly)  


### Simon

Leaving Baz yesterday wasn´t easy.  
All I wanted to do was stay with him, in his flat, on his couch, where everything smells like cedar and dark coffee. Like Baz.  
Shivers run down my spine when I think about how he touched me.  
I´ve never been touched like this before and I think I´m addicted.  
Thinking of his kisses puts a stupid smile on my face.  
I´m so happy that I didn´t even mind when Agatha invited me to her birthday party.  
Usually, I don´t really party, since I´m so socially awkward, but it´s Agatha and I feel good, so I´ll go tonight.  
Also, Penny will be there too, which means I won´t be alone.  
Furthermore, I don´t think it would be a good idea to be all by myself in the evening anyway.  
(I´m pretty sure the thoughts of Baz would drive me crazy)  
It already feels like I´m living for his every move, so it´s probably good to focus on something else for one night.  
(Since I´ll have to endure his absence for two whole days anyways)

Agatha lives in a huge mansion, with a pool and a gym in the basement and all that stuff.  
When we were together, we used to spent days lounging around the house, swimming and eating and watching TV.  
Tonight, there are at least fifty people in her basement.  
It´s weird to see all the familiar rooms, where the three of us sometimes hang out, filled with a crowd, loud music and the smell of cocktails.  
Agatha greets me with a kiss on both of my cheeks and a smile, before she disappears immediatly, so that I´m left alone with Penny.  
I spend quite a while following her around, but she eventually finds some people she knows (some chemistry nerds that are like a trillion times smarter than me) and starts a conversation with them.  
That´s how I end up at the bar, all by myself.  
I´m seriously just about to say screw it and leave, when suddenly a boy approaches me.  
He is about my height, very slender.  
His hair is straight and shimmery, he´s dyed it in a dark blue that matches his eyes.  
„Hello“, he says and smiles at me.  
I smile back, a little uncomfortably.  
(I don´t really like meeting new people that much) (Too much stress)  
„Can I join you for a drink?“  
„Um, sure“, I answer and he sits down next to me, waving at the bartender.  
„So, you´re Simon, right?“, he asks and I´m startled, because I´m positive that I´ve never met this boy before. Why does he know my name?  
„Do I... do I know you?“  
He smiles again and shakes his head.  
„No, I don´t think so. I´m Nick.“  
I have no idea what to say, so I just smile weakly.  
He takes a sip of his drink and I can´t keep myself from noticing that he is very pretty.  
„Your Agatha´s Ex, right?“  
I furrow my brows.  
Somehow, I really don´t like the company of this strange guy and I wish he would just go and leave me alone.  
„Yeah. And why are you here?“  
He smiles again.  
„Oh, I went to High School with Agatha. We used to be very close.“  
„And how do you know me? Did she talk to you about me?“  
„No, she didn´t. I know you because of Baz.“  
That comes as a surprise.  
I didn´t really expect Nick with his blue hair to be someone who is close to Baz.  
And what did Baz tell this stranger about me?  
„Are you friends with him?“  
Nick´s smile grows a little wickedly.  
„Yeah, I guess so. We used to be more, though.“  
It feels like somebody punched me in my stomach.  
Everything is starting to make sense.  
This is Baz´ ex and he is currently checking out his competition.  
I´d love to think he just wants to make sure Baz is in good hands, but even I´m not thick enough to overlook the fact that Nick is definitely still into him.  
„Why are you telling me this?“, I ask him.  
„I was just... curious. You know, I was only interested to see if Baz has a type.“  
His eyes are wandering over my body and he grins.  
„I guess, he has.“  
I feel sick and angry.  
Just because we´re both skinny and we both have blue eyes doesn´t mean that I would be a replacement.  
Also I really, really hate that he calls him “Baz“.  
„Well, great“, I say.  
My tone is suggesting that I don´t want to continue this awkward conversation.  
„But it wasn´t curiosity alone that brought me here. You know, Simon, Baz isn´t one for relationships. I don´t know what he´s told you, but you can believe me, he´s not interested to be around someone all the time. I´m sure he thinks you´re cute and you´ll be fun for a couple of weeks, but then he´ll have enough. Sorry, but that´s the way it is.“  
„So what?“  
He shrugs and looks at me innocently.  
I want to hit him, so that this disgusting smile disappears from his face.  
„So you should watch out for your heart. And also – I´ve heard you´re not really... well, that experienced when it comes to guys. I mean, Agatha is hardly anything like a boy. That´s just another reason why I´d suggest you put yourself out of your misery and let someone else do the job of putting up with Baz Pitch.“  
My mouth is dry and my heart is beating fast, but my voice is astonishingly calm.  
„Someone like you?“  
Nick nods and doesn´t avoid my gaze.  
„Yes. I know Baz pretty well. I know what he wants and what he doesn´t want. Do you?“  
The honest answer would be no, but I´d rather die than tell him this.  
But my silence is answer enough.  
„That´s what I thought. So what are you waiting for? Because someone could love you more. Baz surely doesn´t.“  


### Baz

I know that something is wrong, when I call Simon on Tuesday and he doesn´t pick up.  
I know it, because he´s ignored my last two texts and because he knows I´ll be back tomorrow.  
It´s driving me crazy, because I´m dying to see him.  
These last nights alone with my thoughts of Simon were exhausting.  
Even when I was with my sister, Simon managed to sneak his way into my head, which made it hard to focus.  
But the nights are unbearable.  
I feel like a teenager again.  
All the happiness and anxiety and want is almost too much to bear for me.  
I´m in heaven when I think about how he said: „Yes, please.“  
Or how he smiled at me.  
Or how he held onto my hand.  
But then, all of a sudden, I´m afraid that this all might just be a dream.  
That he doesn´t want me afterall.  
I can imagine him going back to Agatha way too well.  
Or choosing someone kinder or funnier or stronger than me.  
And then, the best and the worst of all, these torturing little things that make me want to...  
The way he said: „Yes, please.“  
His moan, when I kissed his throat.  
The moment he looked at me, longing in his eyes, and said: „Kiss me.“  
When I close my eyes, I can feel his lips ghosting over my skin, his hand working their way down my body.  
I would lie if I said I hadn´t imagined a very heated collision as soon as I´d be back.  
But now, it´s painfully clear that these 2am visions will remain dreams, since Simon doesn´t even want to talk to me right now.  
The problem is, I have no clue why.  
As far as I know, we were doing great.  
Obviously, I was wrong.  
Maybe the thing between us is too delicate in the end.  
Perhaps Simon decided it would be better to end it here, before he´d hurt me even more.  
But since I´m a masochist, I can´t let that happen.  
I need him with me.  
So I call him as soon as I get back to my appartment.  
Once.  
Twice.  
He doesn´t pick up and I can feel anger rising inside me.  
There is absolutely no reason for Snow right now to be angry with me or at least nothing that terrible that would justify to ignore my calls.  
Honestly, if he doesn´t want me or whatever the hell his problem is he should just spit it out.  
I´m sick of always being confused and worried and hurt.  
(Because of course I´m all of that right now)  
Well, if he wants to be left alone, I´ll leave him be.  
Not my problem.  
(It indeed is my problem, since I miss him horribly)  
But there´s nothing I can do right now and I´m way too mad to fall to my knees in front of him.

The week passes by and Snow doesn´t call or text me.  
I don´t go to the coffee shop.  
In fact, I don´t have time for him anyway.  
University is keeping me busy twenty-four seven and all my freetime is filled with worry about my sister, so I spend a lot of time on the phone with her, making sure she is alright.  
On the weekend, I´m mostly with Holly and Niall, because I don´t want to be alone.  
(Everytime I am, I feel like I´m about to cry or break down screaming)  
(I want Snow to call me. Just tell me. Say anything)  
(I miss him so much that it is physically hurting)  
When we hang out at my place on Saturday evening, I get a text from Nick.  
I´m quite surprised, since it´s been a while since we´ve last met.  
He´s asking me to go out with him tonight.  
For a brief second, I´m seriously considering it.  
Some small, very evil part of me wants to pay Snow back, wants to somehow act on the hurt and anger that are eating at me.  
I mean, I don´t really know anyway if it would matter to Snow. Would he care if I´d be with another guy?  
Yes. I think he would. I´m not sure at all what he wants from me or what is going on in his head, but he´s obviously been jealous before and I´m convinced that it would bother him. At least a little bit.  
Maybe I should actually do it...  
But, no.  
Then I would have fucked it up for good, I know that.  
Snow would never forgive me that, even though he technically has no right to be possessive.  
It´s not like we would be boyfriends. Or friends. Or anything. He´s made that very clear.  
Still.  
I can´t quite destroy the small spark of hope that is still burning inside me, that maybe Snow would change his mind and talk to me again.  
(And also, I really don´t want to embarrass myself in front of Nick by moaning the wrong name)  
So I politely reject his offer and spend the rest of the evening with Niall and Holly.  
It´s quite amusing, actually, to watch them dance in circles around each other, but it also makes it even harder to forget Snow.  


### Simon

It feels like I´d be physically ill.  
I can´t eat.  
I can´t sleep.  
I want to cry all the time.  
Penny has a hard time being around me, because “my stupitidy is massively bothering her chi“.  
Even though I do feel sorry for her, I can´t bring myself to be even the slightest bit more cheerful.  
Baz´ absence is killing me and, yes, I know that it might be partly my fault.  
Maybe Penny is right and I´m overreacting.  
„You have to talk to Baz about that, don´t simply ignore him! That is not fair.“  
„What he does is not fair! Making me... fall in love with him and... just... he´s fucking with my head and – he´ll dump me, anyway!“  
„You don´t know that, Simon! Just because some jealous Ex wants to break you guys up, doesn´t mean that Baz isn´t honest with you. Why would he lie to you? If it would only be about sex, he could tell you!“  
„Maybe he just likes hurting me!“  
After that, Penny just shook her head in exasperation.  
Yeah, okay. She´s right, I should probably talk to Baz.  
The problem is... I can´t.  
I would never find the right words, for once.  
And furthermore... I´m afraid that I´d just believe anything he says, simply because I miss him so much.  
I know that to Penny, my fears sound ridiculous.  
Most people wouldn´t flirt with someone for months just to make them fall for them and then dump them.  
But not all people are as logical and rational as Penny.  
There are boys who´d definitely do something like this.  
And I know that I´m pretty oblivious. It´s easy to fool me, people do it all the time.  
It could all just be a bet, what do I know?  
I wish my heart would be on the same page with my brain.  
Then it´d be easy.  
But my heart aches with every single beat, it´s like it wants to torture me until I give in and run back to Baz, begging for forgiveness.

On Monday, I more or less sleepwalk over the campus, trying to remember which class I have to attend now, when a girl pops up right before me.  
„Simon Snow?“, she asks.  
Her hair is red and she wears glasses, which somehow makes her seem very intelligent and intimidating to me.  
„Um, yeah?“  
She smiles at me.  
„I´m Holly, we haven´t met yet, but I´m a friend of Baz. Do you have a moment?“

I´m not sure which progression of events lead to this, but I´m currently sitting in one of the university´s cafeterias with Holly.  
She asks me about Baz, which shocks me so hard that I almost choke on my coke.  
„He didn´t exactly tell me about you, but I was sure he´d met someone, so I did a little research and found out your name.“  
„Who told you...“  
„I can´t tell you that, I´m sorry. The point is... whatever you heard about Baz... it´s not true. Okay? Just forget it.“  
I snort.  
„It´s not that easy.“  
She sighs, her dark eyes seem to examine me.  
„Tell me, what´s the problem?“  
I open my mouth, then close it.  
„Sorry, but I can´t talk to you about that.“  
I want to leave, but she takes my arm.  
„Alright. Then I´ll talk. I know that Baz hasn´t the best reputation on this uni, but you shouldn´t give one shit about what people talk. Most of it are lies. And the rest doesn´t matter.“  
She keeps eye contact and somehow, I can´t break it.  
„Listen, Simon. Baz is absolutely unbearable, because you decided for whatever stupid reason to ignore him. He misses you, okay? I know that for sure. Just... talk to him. Give him a chance to explain whatever upsets you. I´m convinced he´ll be able to explain everything.“  
My head is completely empty.  
I have no idea what to say, so we sit there for a while in silence.  
Eventually, I say quietly: „I miss him, too, but... I´m afraid to talk to him. I -“  
As soon as I realise Holly doesn´t look at me anymore, but at something above my right shoulder, I stop and turn around.  
„Why are you afraid to talk to me, Snow?“  


### Baz

I enter the cafeteria just to be hit by the oddest sight imaginable: Holly talking to no one else but Snow himself.  
My world is somehow flipped upside down.  
I´ve never told Holly about Snow. Actually, I´m not even sure she knows that I´m gay.  
Could it be a coincidence?  
I really can´t believe that.  
Slowly, I approach them.  
Holly sees me first, but Snow is still talking when I reach them.  
„I´m afraid to talk to him“, he says. His voice is very small and it makes my heart ache.  
I´m assuming that I am him, since I don´t think there´s anyone else Snow deliberatly doesn´t speak with right now.  
„Why are you afraid to talk to me, Snow?“, I ask.  
My tone is even colder than usually.  
(My way of expressing how much he hurt me)  
Snow´s look shows pure panic and it makes me even more angry and hurt. What horrible thing have I done to him that I deserve to be treated like the worst asshole on the planet?  
„Um...“  
Of course, he´s not able to articulate one clear sentence.  
I´m torn between wanting to fall into his arms, crying my heart out and begging him to go back to flirting innocently and turning around to run away as fast as I can.  
Obviously, I´m going to do neither.  
„Holly, would you excuse us for a moment?“, I ask her, sending her my deadliest look, which says that we´re going to talk about this. (My love life is none of her business at all)  
She only smiles.  
„Sure, Baz. Later!“  
As soon as she has left, I take her seat in front of Snow.  
He won´t look at me, staring at his hands.  
„So“ I say.  
„So.“  
It really is difficult to feel such contradictory emotions all at once: Wanting to slap him for treating me like shit and wanting to kiss his beautiful mouth.  
„Let´s talk. There´s no reason to be afraid of talking to me.“  
„I don´t know what to say“, he says, still not looking at me.  
„Well, let´s see. Maybe you could start with explaining why the hell you´ve ignored all of my calls last week.“  
He swallows and I try really hard not to pay attention to his throat.  
„You haven´t been at the coffee shop, either“, he mumbles.  
Unkown vibrations echoe through my body. There is anger, but also hurt and longing and happiness to simply hear his voice again. Damn, I´ve missed him so much.  
„I wasn´t there, because you didn´t say anything all fucking week, so I concluded that you didn´t want to see me!“  
I try very hard not to raise my voice.  
Snow remains silent.  
It makes me so frustrated that I´m just about to stand up and leave, when he finally says: „I wanted to see you, I just -“  
I sit down again, staring at him, exasperated.  
„You just what?“  
„I – I was at Agatha´s party and there...“  
Everything in me suddenly turns into ice.  
So that´s it. He was with Agatha and then he realised that he likes her better afterall.  
Hell knows what they did.  
My heart is racing against my chest, but before I can say anything (or leave, this time for real), Snow goes on: „There was a boy. And he – talked to me. About you.“  
Well, this is not what I expected to hear, but I´m inexplicably relieved.  
If it has nothing to do with him wanting Agatha back, I´m positive I´ll be able to deal with it.  
„What boy? And what did he tell you about me?“, I ask Snow.  
„Nick“, he says and his voice is dark with repulsion.  
I´m starting to get a little uncomfortable.  
Nick is the last guy I hooked up with and even though I wasn´t necessarily rude – because I told him my motives right from the start – I do think that he was a little bit into me, which seems to be true, considering that he just asked me out again.  
Whatever he said to Snow, it can´t be good.  
„And what did he say?“  
It drives me crazy that Snow still avoids my eyes.  
„He...“ Snow shakes his head, apparently unable to continue.  
„Yes?“  
Snow keeps shaking his head and I have to resist the urge to take his hand in mine.  
„Please. Talk to me. Otherwise I don´t even get the chance to defend myself.“  
Finally, Snow shoots me a very brief glance.  
„He said... well – it would only be – you would only want – you know. That it wouldn´t be different. With me. That it wouldn´t be different with me.“  
It takes me a few moment to understand what he is trying to say.  
(Communication really isn´t Snow´s strongest quality)  
When I finally manage to make sense out of his words, I frown.  
„So he told you I would only look for someone to make out with and not... something serious?“  
Snow is blushing, which almost makes me smile, because it´s just so familiar.  
But I´m still extraordinary annoyed, so I don´t.  
„Basically. Yeah.“  
I roll my eyes.  
„And you simply believed him?“  
His face turns into an even darker shade of red, while he shrugs.  
„Honestly, Snow, you´re so stupid. If I remember it correctly, you were quite willing to go further with me the other night and I was the one who said we should take it slow. So your logical conclusion would be that I´m simply trying to get into your pants?“  
Snow seems confused and very embarassed.  
„I... don´t know!“  
In his voice resonates a hint of desperation, which I don´t understand.  
I raise my eyebrow at him.  
„Furthermore, you never told me that you look for something serious, either.“  
„Maybe because I´ve never really thought about it!“  
It makes me angry that he is so angry for seemingly no reason at all.  
„Well and I told you that´s alright with me! I understand that it is confusing for you, okay? I get it.  
But then, it would be quite nice if you´d give me the same space as well.“  
I´m shocked when I notice that he is almost crying now.  
„Snow. Please.“  
„Just... go, okay?“  
I shouldn´t be the one letting themself being insulted and being patient. I´ve done nothing wrong.  
But I know, if I really would walk away now, Snow would probably break down. And then most likely never speak to me again.  
„This is not about Nick, isn´t it, Snow? And it´s not about sex. You have to tell me what the problem is. Please, tell me. I want to understand.“  
I´m actually amazed with myself. Normally, I would have long ago started to throw sniding comments and insults. But I can´t stand to see Snow even more hurt than he already seems to be.  
He keeps silent for a while, I think he is fighting back his tears.  
„It´s just... you´ll leave me, anyway. I can´t... I´m a terrible boyfriend.“  
It feels like he would have stabbed me right into my heart with his words.  
What happened to this amazing boy that he thinks no one would want to be with him?  
„I´m not Agatha, Snow. Believe me, it´s not that easy to get rid of me“, I say as softly as I can.  
He shoots me another shy look through his lashes.  
„Baz – you don´t know... I´m really difficult.“  
Now I finally smile.  
„Do you think I am not? I´m probably way more difficult than you.“  
It´s pure bliss when he smiles back at me.  
„Yeah, you´re a bit of a drama queen“, he says.  
I arch my eyebrow.  
„Says the one who just almost dumped me, because of a jealous Ex.“  
Snow shrugs, still smiling.  
„Snow.“  
„Baz.“  
„I want you to be my boyfriend.“  
His eyes shine and the smile on his face deepens.  
„Your terrible boyfriend?“  
„Yes, please.“  
„Okay. But there´s one condition.“  
„I´m not sure if I take conditions when it comes to relationships, but go on.“  
„You have to call me Simon.“  
I smirk at him.  
„I´m going to consider it.“

**Author's Note:**

> Here we are...  
> I love Snowbaz with all my heart, so of course I couldn´t help but write a loooot of fluff.  
> Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed!


End file.
